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I carried around my guilt like an albatross. My psychiatrist said I have PTSD, and he thinks Benny probably did too. Losing Ben...well, with my untreated trauma and the chaos going on in my life, I chose to deal by masking it—covering up the pain, making it go away, if only temporarily.
I’m not telling you this story as an excuse, I’m telling you in case you had questions about where it all went wrong, you’d know Benny and I had gone off the rails before we ever met you. Maybe you helped us stay close to the tracks for a while, but we were always heading toward disaster.
I’m sorry for keeping this from you.
I’m sorry for not being the boyfriend you deserved.
I’m sorry for betraying you.
I’m sorry for pulling you into my chaos.
I’m sorry for hurting your dad. I’m so fucking sorry about that.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the forever I promised.
I’m sorry for holding Claudia when I should have been holding you.
I’m sorry for marrying her when you were supposed to be my wife. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Claudia and I spent one night in Vegas together before she went back to Korea, where she was living. I’m sorry I didn’t explain it was never a real marriage, but two people too mired in grief to start the divorce proceedings. I should have told you that at Benny’s parents’ house, but I was too fucked up to even try to begin to explain.
I’m sorry I keep barreling back into your life.
I’d like to say I won’t email you again, but that would be a lie, and I’ll never lie to you again.
I hope your life is grand. I heard you started managing Blue is the Color, and I’m so fucking proud of you. You’re living your dream, and I’m watching in awe from the sidelines, cheering you on.
I’m sorry for everything, Tali, except I’m not sorry I can’t stop loving you. That’s a forever kind of thing.
So, here I am, on the solid foundation I built at rock bottom, starting over. I miss you. I’ll always miss you. But I want you to know I’m healthy and living, and I hope like hell you are too. Keep living and keep dreaming.
Yours,
Jude
I shouldn’t have read that email while on an airplane with the Blue boys. As soon as I got to the last word, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and sob. My knees buckled under my grief, for Hailey, Christina, and Ezra, for Jude and Ben.
Jude had told me about the accident as this sad thing that happened to people he’d known. He’d never told me the love of Ben’s life had died, or their best friend, or Jude’s girlfriend.
I was wrecked for him and Benny. So wrecked. If I’d known, could I have helped? If Tino and I had been aware of Ben’s aching sadness, could we have stopped him long before he passed the point of no return? Or, like Jude had said, was he at that point already when I met him?
Oh, Ben.You should fucking be here. And, Jude, I was so damn close to losing you forever too.
There was one last email I wanted to read. Not from the night of the concert at the 9:30 Club, but the one from six months ago. Before that one, it had been two years since he sent one. Clicking on it, I wondered what had made him reach out.
Dear Tali Stripes,
It’s been a couple years since I wrote you, not that I’m under any illusion you check this account. If you did, you’d probably roll your eyes and say, “Jesus, that mothafucker needs to get a goddamn life.”
I saw the announcement that Blue is the Color going on tour again, and then in a strange, coincidental turn of events, I heard Hector’s short a sound engineer.
Well, I’m a fucking sound engineer between jobs, so I called him up and we got to talking. In the end, he offered me a job.
I took it.
I’m looking forward to the work, but that’s not why I took this job. You’re the reason, Tali. I figure you either hate me or are completely indifferent to me. I don’t blame you, it’s been a whole lotta years since we were even in the same room.
Here’s the thing, though: I’m not over you.
Remember me saying we had a forever kind of love? Well, forever hasn’t passed us by yet, so I’m thinking I’m going to take my shot.
