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We had our first kiss that night. It was passionate, long, and deep. I've laid down with numerous women over the past twenty years, but being with Remy felt right; it felt safe. I needed to find her, and I vowed never to let her go when I did.
* * *
"Heard you had a rough morning, mate,"Ian said. His hair blew to the front of his face as we walked down the street.
"Yea, that's what people keep telling me."
"People?"
"Oh yea, that fucking blond pretty boy had the full-grown balls to ask me where the fuck I was when I missed the meeting earlier this morning."
"So, where were you?" His eyes remained straight ahead, and I could see a smidgen of a smirk beginning to form at the corner of his mouth.
"I was plugging one out, gripping it good and hard. Is that okay with you?"
He stopped dead in his tracks, and a howl of laughter escaped his throat.
"Well, screw you. I needed it. I've had ten days with fucking blue balls."
"Thinking about her, huh?" He held the door open for me as we walked into our favorite burger shop.
One of the few moms and pop eateries standing after a dozen big chain eateries lined downtown Sydney's streets. It was only standing because we saved it. Since we were boys, we've been coming here and couldn't let it go out due to people's terrible choice in crappy food. We paid their rent and utilities for the rest of the year, the owner was stunned, but I'll do anything for that old man. He's been a better father to me than my sperm donor, and his advice has always been reliable.
"Yea, I think about her every goddamn day."
His eyes softened as he watched me let out a sigh of disappointment.
"You'll see her soon, right?"
My eyes slid from his to the handful of empty booths in the restaurant. I've never seen it empty before. The Burger Shack was a place that used to have a line out the door during the lunch hour. Now open booths lined the walls, and orders were infrequent and in-between. I picked a booth in the back, near the restrooms.
"Nope. She's gone off the grid and left my heart and balls hanging in the dust." We slid into the booth at the same time, picking up the checkered color menus in sync.
"Off the grid? Can they hook you up with another one, mate?" A look of confusion stretched across his face like he couldn't fathom the fact that I only wanted one woman when ten others were readily available to me.
"I fucked up, ya know," I said as I pushed the menu back into the holder.
I didn't even need to look at it. I've been coming here for over twenty years, and I've always ordered the same thing: a double cheeseburger with the lot—topped with a runny egg, pickled beets, onions, pineapples, lettuce, and a generous slab of mayo sauce. I remembered telling Remy about how we made our burgers, and her face displayed a look of disgust as the toppings list rolled off my tongue. Watching her face go from one disapproving expression to the next had me blabbering on purposely. It gave me a reason to keep my eyes on her.
"Hey, mates. What can I get ya for?" the waitress said as she stood beside our booth. Her hands and notepad were resting on her round belly. She was the owner's daughter. I've known her for years.
"Oh, look what we have here. Little Susie has a bun in the oven. How long it's been baking for?" Ian said as he gave the waitress a warm smile.
"About three months, not too long. The usual?"
We both nodded in agreement, and I watched as she wobbled off.
"You want one?" Ian asked as his eyes slid back to Susan's swollen belly.
"Fuck no. Not in the equation." I said as my arms folded across my chest.
"Oh, just like relationships weren't in the equation? Now here you are throwing yourself a personal pity party over hired pussy."
I rolled my eyes and stroked my thumb over my bottom lip. "It's not like that with her. She's different. I...." I let my words trail off to keep myself from saying the four-letter word out loud.
Susan dropped off our burgers and soda and placed the check under my plate. Ian wasted no time and took two big bites. The greasy juice ran down his chin, dripping onto his tie. He was right, relationships were out of the equation, but that ship fucking sailed when I met Remy. I've broken promises I made to myself before, and this was no different, but I refused to have a kid.
My brother and I grew up wealthy, raised by butlers and nannies, while my father focused on the business. It was brutal, lonely, and depressing. Now I spend nine months out of the year traveling, which was two-hundred and seventy-three days not being able to sleep in my own bed. I didn't want my kid to grow up with nannies and butlers; it wouldn't be fair to them.
