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Chapter 37
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4:37 PM SATURDAY
I take it all back. I’m actually hoping that she doesn’t call.
Fuck it. Fuck it all.
I really don’t know why I thought things would have been different this time around. For the last three years, it’s always ended up the exact same way.
I’m like the walking definition of insanity. My name and face are right beside the word in the dictionary at this point.
And, to top it all off, I’m walking in this incredibly disgusting heat and humidity while smelling of the oh-so-lovelyChao Phraya.
On a cool day, that would smell bad enough. You throw in the damned heat and humidity, and I could probably kill a mob of kangaroos.
I’m surprised there are so many boats in the water. How do people tolerate this nastiness?
Back home, if the water stunk, you leave it the fuck alone. No one wants what comes out of it.
When I finally return to my hotel to check out, I’m not at all surprised that everyone is moving away from me as if I were Moses parting the Red Sea. Nobody wants to be near Michael Jackson’s pimp who smells like he just crawled out of a hippo’s arse.
The poor girl behind the counter gets one whiff of me, and she’s reaching for the nearest trash can. I do all I can to make it a painless transaction.
“Look, I’m sorry, darl. I know I’m rancid. I just want to check out.”
She calls for some help, but nobody is willing to get much closer than twenty feet.
I feel bad for the woman. She’s a real trooper, though. We go through everything as quickly as we can for her sake so that I can get out of here.
I’m making my way out of the hotel when the woman behind the counter yells at me.
“Sir, what about your possessions in the room?”
“Don’t worry about it, darl. Consider it a write-off,” I yell back over my shoulder.
Just like the rest of this fucking trip.
And boy, has this trip been one large pain in my arse. Even if I were to exclude all of the crazy shenanigans with Sammi and her people, I’ve still lost all my luggage from my room, was forced to dress like a member of Thailand’s worst boy band, and was forced to take a dive into the Chao Phraya.
I’m barely into my miserable walk back to my boat so that I can leave this damn country when a couple of guys who look like your typical United States frat boys approach me.
“Hey, man, can you help us? My friends and I are trying to find the Golden Gun. You know where it is?”
Of course I would get stopped and asked about the Golden Gun.
I want to throw each of them into the river, but I’m too damn drained and just tell them where to find the place instead.
“Thanks, dude. And, uh, just a suggestion, but you should take a shower and change. You reek, bro.”
“Thanks, dude,” I say, deadpan.
I had really hoped that things could have been different this time around. This time was different than the others. It was like some incredibly adventurous joyride, and that was all before the getting married bit.
I really thought that this time I would end up with my happily ever after.
And it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but happily ever after doesn’t fucking exist. It’s all just one big cosmic joke.
