AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Chapter Nineteen
Hattie was a mess in the carriage on the way to the infirmary the next morning. Such a mess she feared she wouldn’t be able to hide it from Jim any better than she had been able to hide it from her own family over the breakfast table.
While Kitty and Dorothea had tried to fill the void of silence with idle chatter to take her mind off things, her parents and her two siblings understood why she sat quietly, lost in her own thoughts. They understood because they had been there when she had undergone the exact same procedure that that poor little boy was about to endure, and they knew what a horrific and painful ordeal it had been.
Her mother, who had been the only one in the actual room as Hattie’s leg had been rebroken, was as white as a sheet as she sipped her tea yet had still repeatedly offered to swap places with her today to spare her the trauma. Spare her the pain of dredging up her own awful experience and reliving it second by second as Jim suffered the same fate.
As tempting as it was to accept, Hattie had refused on two counts. Firstly, because Jim had never met her mother and it had been Hattie who had been the one to convince him that this was for the best. And secondly, because she did not need to be stood in the operating theatre later to relive her past, she had spent all night doing so.
Not even the fresh memory of her spectacular kiss with Jasper and his awkward but glorious request that she wait for him could block out her fragmented, horrific recollections of her operation of almost eighteen months ago. Fragmented, as at times, when it had all become too much, she had blacked out. Those dreadful gaps in her mind would be filled today, and the nightmare which she had kept locked in a box since the day it had happened, would be free again to haunt her.
Yet it couldn’t be helped, and as much as she wanted to curl into a ball and hide until it was all over, she would not let little Jim down in his hour of need. Therefore, she had forced a matter-of-fact serenity over herself at the breakfast table. Adamantly stated she had to do this and that was that, then tried to choke some dry toast down so that she had something to settle her roiling stomach, even though the food had not stayed in her stomach for long. But at least she had been able to hide that aspect of the morning from her family before she had bidden them a good day and reminded them that she wouldn’t be home until dinner tonight, or maybe later.
Nobody had argued because they all understood she would not be able to leave until she was certain Jim was going to be all right.
She prayed with all her heart that he would be, though the odds were evens at best. If he survived the shock and escaped infection, there were no guarantees the bone would set properly a second time and there was more than a good chance it would end up in a worse shape. A fact which made her doubt her insistence that he should consent to the operation. It was that doubt which was destroying her now, but she was adamant she could not let it show. For Jim’s sake, she had to be the brave one today and the soothing voice of calm, and she would be, just as soon as she managed to stop her own hands from shaking.
The carriage made its final turn into King Street and Hattie sucked in a calming breath. She allowed the carriage to stop and still remained in her seat, needing those extra moments to compose herself before she became the solid rock for a terrified little boy to cling to. Only when her mask was properly fixed in place did she alight, managing to sound in control as she told the driver not to expect a message recalling him until well after eight tonight.
Stalling for time, she stood on the infirmary steps and watched the carriage leave, then sagged in relief at the sight of Jasper revealed on the opposite pavement behind it. He waited for the vehicle to trundle away and checked the coast was clear before he came across the road.
His hand moved to touch her before he stopped himself. ‘I’ve come to take your place. Mrs Mimms is taking care of Izzy for the day, freeing me to be with Jim in your stead. There is no need to put yourself through all that again, and I cannot allow you to do it. Sit with him before and stay with him after, but there really is no need for you to be present while the operation takes place.’
She shook her head. ‘There is every need. Aside from the inescapable fact that we both know that I am incapable of deserting anyone in distress, Jim has put his trust in me and me alone, and I will not be another adult who lets him down.’
‘Then let me at least be there with you...’ She silenced him with another shake of her head.
‘No, Jasper. He barely knows you, and agony is such a personal and private thing he should not have to endure it with a stranger. I have to do this for him, and you know that. If it were Izzy, wild horses wouldn’t stop you from being with her because you are who she would want. I have become rather fond of Jim and, although he hides it as if his life depends upon it, I believe he has developed a fondness for me, too. I am the only person who knows what he is about to go through and therefore, I am the only one who can help him through it. I made a promise to a lost and frightened child and, like you, when I make a promise, it is sacrosanct.’
Because she needed the contact more than she cared about propriety, she reached for his hands and squeezed them tight. ‘But it means the world that you offered and that you are here, and I shall be all the stronger knowing that you are nearby once this is done.’ She wanted to hold him. Wanted him to hold her so that she could absorb his strength but had to settle for laying her palm over his heart. ‘Go to work, Jasper. Take your mind off this and when it is done, I shall send word to your club. I am sure Jim will appreciate a visit here later—almost as much as I will.’
Work, she had said, to take his mind off things.
As if that was going to happen! He had stared religiously at the hands of the mantel clock in his office above The Reprobates’, both of which now pointed at noon. He knew the operation was to have commenced at ten and he had paced the floor relentlessly in the two hours hence, constantly checking his window to watch the street below or stare at the infirmary. Yet still there was no word from Hattie, which surely could only be a bad sign.
Rather than pace some more, he decided enough was enough, and went to grab the coat he had long discarded in his anguish only to be interrupted by his doorman.
‘You’ve a caller. A lady, apparently.’ He raised his brows as they both knew such an occurrence was a rarity indeed at a gentlemen’s club. ‘Told me to tell you her name is Hattie.’
‘She’s here!’ His coat forgotten, Jasper bounded for the door and took the stairs two at a time in his haste to get to her. He skidded to a stop on the polished marble where she waited in the atrium, except the sight of her did not fill him with joy despite her feeble attempt at a smile.
‘It’s done.’ She looked and sounded exhausted. Her usual English rose complexion was as pale as milk. Her posture slumped. Her hair a dishevelled, ratty mess. Her lovely eyes lost and harrowed, focussed not on him or her surroundings but on something which wasn’t present. As if she had just stumbled off a battlefield rather than out of a hospital. ‘The laudanum has finally kicked in and he’s sleeping now—thank God—so at least he will get a few hours of relief before the next ordeal starts.’
Jasper had a million questions, none of which mattered when it was clearly she who now needed looking after, so he wrapped his arm around her and silently led her up the stairs.
She allowed him to settle her on the enormous chesterfield in his office and sat stranded in her own thoughts while he arranged for some tea to be brought up. Only when his door was firmly closed, and she cradled a steaming cup in her hands, did he sit beside her and cuddle her close.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘It was every bit as dreadful as I anticipated it would be—and some.’ She rested a heavy head on his shoulder. ‘That poor boy... Even though I have been through that hell already, if I could have swapped places with him, I would have.’
‘Of course you would have.’ He kissed the top of her head. ‘Because you are a hopeless rescuer to your core.’
‘Maybe, but...’ She barely shook her head. ‘It turns out it is easier to go through it than it is to witness it, powerless to take another’s pain away.’
‘Oh, Hattie.’ He wished he could take her pain away but knew he couldn’t. ‘You mustn’t feel guilty, although I know you do. What has happened today was a necessary evil, done for Jim’s benefit. And like you, one day he will thank Dr Cribbs and us for bullying him into it.’
‘You are right... I know you are right but...’ Emotion choked her voice. ‘It brought everything back, Jasper...everything. The smells, the awful sounds, the sheer barbarism and excruciating agony of it all. The fear...all so raw and visceral, having to hold him down... I hated that part most of all but knew it was necessary.’ Before the cup fell from her shaking fingers, Jasper took it, then hauled her into his lap and held her tight.
