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While he finished up, they chatted and she seemed not entirely there. Gideon tried not to take it personally; her day hadn’t gone as she’d expected and that could throw a person off. But when he put the finished dishes on the table, she didn’t return his enthusiasm, and she was always full of praise for his culinary efforts.
He slid into his seat, heart feeling a bit mushy and vulnerable, head hoping he was just making things up.
“Everything okay, darling? You seem distracted.”
“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Just some weird stock issues at work.”
She pushed at the slice of rosemary garlic pork roast he’d put on her plate, but didn’t eat. Girl was usually ravenous. He finished chewing a bite of butter beans with the caramelized onions—the morsel of bacon should have made it savory and layered and delicious, but he may as well have been eating sawdust. Gideon put down his fork and knife.
“Is that really all?”
Plum rolled her lips between her teeth and shook her head. “No.”
He hadn’t thought so, but it was still unpleasant to hear.
“I…” She sighed and refused to meet his gaze. “I know you wanted to talk and I think maybe I should go first.”
“Sure,” he said, and took a sip of the chardonnay he’d poured for them, though his heart was racing and he wanted to spill out his words before she could say anything.
I love you. I want you to be mine, in all ways, forever. I want you to be my partner in this life, to walk alongside me, and whether you share my faith or not, I know you share my love of community and humanity and that you have a wonderful and open soul. Be my wife, Plum. Be mine.
“I had a really good time last night. And I think we’ve had a really good time, period. But I…”
Plum fiddled with the stem of her wine glass, turning the glass between her fingers and staring at the light gold liquid inside. Finally, she blinked her gaze to him, and Gideon wished she hadn’t. He could see it coming in the way she looked at him and he didn’t want—
“I think you’re looking for something that I am not. I think you want and need a wife, and it would be one thing to marryyou, Gideon, but you know that’s not the only commitment I’d be making. And I’m not even sure I want to get married ever, never mind to a church that worships a god I don’t believe in.”
Gideon gritted his teeth. Not in anger but because he didn’t want to acknowledge the truth in her words.
“If you want to keep doing…whatever it is we’re doing, I am here for it.”
She tried to give him one of those sassy, insinuating smiles but it didn’t reach her eyes. Was saying these things tearing her apart much as it was shredding his heart?
“But I don’t think that would be good for you. So I get if you don’t want to see me anymore. I hope that wouldn’t stop you from coming to Caffeinatrix. Not because I don’t want to lose your Thursday morning business, but because I don’t want to lose…”
Plum paused, shone that brittle smile again, and rubbed a navy-tipped finger at the corner of her eye.
“Well, I’d miss you, that’s all. And you have a mug now, so you’re basically obligated to keep coming. I don’t make the rules.”
He could point out that she was the proprietress of Caffeinatrix so she did indeed make the rules but that wasn’t the point.
“I see,” he said, when in fact he did not.
“Gideon, I—”
He held up a hand and she stopped. It was difficult to locate the grace with which he wanted to handle this situation. The love he always wanted to show her.
He closed his eyes, and took a breath, tried to gather all of his considerable control and serenity. It wasn’t easy when he felt like this tiny woman in front of him had blown it all apart. She’d disrupted his life from the moment he walked into the café and she’d worked her way into his mind, his heart, and his soul in ways he couldn’t have imagined when he first set eyes on her. The withdrawal was agonizing. Like an army pillaging and setting fires as it retreated from a conquered land.
“We are very well-suited in some ways,” he offered with his own weak smile that she returned. “I’d like it if we could still be play partners and friends. I hope… Well, I hope you know I’m always here—”
If you change your mind.
“If you need anything.”
Plum’s mouth spread into a determined line. Why was she doing this if it was making her so unhappy as well?
“Thanks. And thanks for dinner. I feel like an asshole for not eating because it all looks delicious, but I can’t…”
She shook her head at the same time as he nodded. Quite the pair they were.
“I find I don’t have much of an appetite at the moment myself. But please, don’t let it go to waste. I’ll pack some up and you can have it for dinner tomorrow so you’re not subsisting on cupcakes and caramel lattes.”
Gideon cringed as he rose since it wasn’t his place to scold her for her diet anymore. If it had ever been. But no, that wasn’t fair. Their relationship, whatever you wanted to call it, had been great and he shouldn’t minimize it, even if it would dull the pain of her leaving. No, he would just suffer.
