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It had been an incredible few weeks, and she always looked forward to seeing them. Not just for the debauchery either, but because she felt secure and adored in a way she never had.
“I’m okay,” she said, and hated how it came out more like a series of hiccups than a sentence.
“Doesn’t look that way to me. You know it’s alright to be upset, don’t you? This Pete character did something really cruel and nasty. You’re only human for being hurt by it.”
Human she could deal with. Probably. It was the little part she could not, and she was still in that squishy heart place of feeling small with feelings that were way too big to deal with on her own.
Lolo’s face narrowed into an expression of vexation. “Look, I know we don’t talk about this, but I’m tired of dancing around it. We’ve gotten to know you inside and out for the past month and a half, and it’s frustrating to me to watch you refuse something that could make you happy. You keep saying you're not a little but all I see is a woman who would really fucking love to be little. And the only reason I can come up with why you so steadfastly claim to not be a little is that it could mess up your relationship with Maddie.”
Oof. That was the most Lolo had ever said at one go and that was probably for the best, given that she felt like she’d been punched in the solar plexus. Not able to breathe and a bit out of her body.
Maybe sensing exactly how unglued she felt, Lolo put his big hands on her thighs and looked at her from under his dark, sculpted brows.
“I get it. Your friendship with Maddie is vital, and you don’t know how you could go on without it. You’d feel like you were missing a part of yourself if you didn’t have her in your life. We probably understand that better than almost anyone else.”
Lolo looked across her lap and she knew he was making eye contact with his twin. Yes, they were two separate people, but also a single unit. Not in a monolithic kind of way, more like in a yin and yang sort of way, same as her and Maddie. Yes, Hux and Lo understood how much Maddie meant to her.
“My question to you, though, is do you really think Maddie would want you to live without something you needed, something that would make you happy, for her sake? It’s not like you have some sociopathic drive to be a serial killer, you just want to be little. If anyone could understand that, it’s Maddie. I know you took care of her for a long time but she has Reid now. Also, she loves you so much and she’s such a good friend, I don’t think she’d want you to play the martyr. Actually, she’d probably be pretty mad, and insulted that you didn’t think she was a better friend.”
“She’s the best friend!”
She was reminded too of what Maddie had told her about her conversation with Reid right before he’d proposed. How Reid had asked if Maddie thought Josh would want her to be alone and miserable, which of course he wouldn’t. Because Josh had been a good man and loved Maddie more than anything else in the world. Her bestie was just as true and loyal as Josh had been, and Tamsyn would never want to make her feel like a second rate or fair-weather friend, not ever.
“I know, princess,” Lolo assured her. “And I know she appreciates what a good friend and big sister you’ve been to her. I also think she’s in really good hands now, and she would want you to be too. Do you think perhaps you could live your life for yourself now, instead of someone else?”
“She never asked me for it,” she said defensively, eyes watering.
“We’re not saying she did, precious,” Lowell told her, passing the backs of his knuckles over her cheek. “Honestly it’s hard to imagine Maddie asking anyone for anything, she’s such a little mouse.”
She could pretend to be insulted on her friend’s behalf, but she knew what he meant. Knew, too, that she and Reid had both had to pry needs and wants out of her bestie.
“We’re also not saying you can’t be that for her anymore. Yes, she has Reid but she still needs you too. We don’t want to take those roles away from either of you,” Hux said. “And as waspish as you can act I think everyone in this room knows that you use your strength and your wits and your sting mostly on behalf of others. That’s something we love about you.”
“Love?” she echoed, feeling her eyes widen at the word.
“Yes, love,” Hux insisted before leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead.
That man melted her like beeswax, made her so malleable in his capable hands. How was he not afraid to say these things? Was he not afraid of getting hurt or being rejected? But that was her Hux, always looking on the sunny side, the consummate optimist. Thank goodness for him, but she wasn’t sorry that Lowell didn’t second the man she’d come to think of as her daddy. Not just while they were scening either.
She and Lowell were more alike that way, which was probably why they wouldn’t work without Hux. Neither of them would ever bare their souls if given the choice to keep to the shadows. Hux the fucking emotional flashlight.
Hux was cupping her face now with Lowell perched on her other side like a shadow. She couldn’t believe she’d ever mistaken Lowell for Hux; they looked so different to her now. Lowell with his ragged scruff and slightly thinner lips, Hux with rounder eyes and broader shoulders.
“But you don’t have to do that with us. We want to take care of you, look after you. Let you take a break from being the Joan of Arc of the insurance world and just let you be a little girl. Put those feisty claws away and be Daddy’s little kitten. Hmm?”
He stroked under her chin the way she liked, and Tamsyn wanted to close her eyes and purr. That sounded so nice. Like lazing in the sunbeam of Hux’s approval and being petted and stroked until she was boneless and content.
“But why can’t I do that as a middle? Some middles are sweet.”
“Yes,” Lowell agreed, “but yours is not.”
He stood then and used those long legs of his to settle behind her, hooked his chin over her shoulder and wrapped his sinewy arms around her.
“Besides, I don’t think that’s sufficient. Not for the kind of release we’d really like to give you.”
She’d like a release all right. Of the orgasmic kind.
“And what kind is that?”
Her voice was getting softer, dreamier, and she did let her eyes close. Softened more still when Lowell took her earlobe between his lips and then his teeth and then murmured, “Every kind.”
The thought made her shudder and he held her tighter while Hux came closer, his hands sliding to her waist. Then Hux was kissing her. Sweetly at first, a long press of their mouths together before they separated and he came back with slightly more force, a flick of his tongue agains the seam of her lips. An invitation and a promise all at once. One she thought she might like to accept. But it would change…everything.
Everything she thought she knew about herself, about her place in the world, about what made her body hum and sing and come alive like a gospel choir.
“What if… What if I’m bad at it?”
It was a horrible question. She’d withhold happiness and satisfaction from herself—maybe from all of them?—because she might not be good enough in the trying? She wouldn’t have blamed either of the men if they laughed at her, but neither of them did, perhaps knowing how much it cost her to ask.
“That’s what little girls have daddies for,” Hux murmured, his forehead pressed to hers while Lowell mouthed her neck. The sultry heat of Lowell’s lips and tongue and teeth on her sensitive skin turned her bones to jello and her reluctance to liquid. Liquid he siphoned away when he whispered in her ear, “To teach them how to be good.”
