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It’s as if my body is suddenly on high alert hearing that word roaring in my brain.
Alcohol. Problem. Alcohol problem.
How do I tell Charley that her stepfather and I have something in common?
Had.
Everything is fine. It’s under control.
I push the beginnings of the breakthrough back down and stand up, my body screaming in pain at every step towards her. “Charley, baby, I’m so sorry. I—I fucked up.”
Her arms which were crossed in front of her chest lower to her sides upon hearing my words and she looks up at me once I’m close enough to touch her as if she’s slowly letting her guard back down. I run my hands up her bare arms, her skin breaking out into goosebumps instantly as she takes a step back out of my reach, her walls going back up.
“No, that doesn’t make it all better,” she says. I open my mouth to tell her that I’m not trying to use sex to beg for the forgiveness I know I need to ask for when she puts a hand up silencing me. “I’m not taking your shit,” she tells me, and my eyes widen hearing her words. “I spent years taking shit from Matt, and I didn’t get myself out of that relationship just to become another man’s punching bag. No. You told me you were different—you told methiswas different. And then last night, you tell me you’re not sure what you want? Well, you need to figure it out. Like now, because I’m not going to be in this relationship by myself. You said we were in this together, that we’d face the man that came before youtogether.And yet the second he attacks, you turn on me? What Matt did was childish, and I’m angry too, but taking your anger out on me was completely unwarranted! That video was fromyearsago. Before we were even married! Are you really telling me you’rethatirrationally jealous?” Her eyes are wide and angry, her hands shaking with how worked up she is. Her nostrils have flared a few times and then she shakes her head. “You said you loved me. Last night, was not love, it was fear. And there’s no room for it here. We are stronger than that.” Her words are sobering, both emotionally and mentally as I feel myself trying to quiet the roaring headache I have.
“I didn’t mean what I said.” I’m not sure if she’s finished speaking but I want her to be aware I want her.That I will always want her.
“I thought it was just the hurt and the alcohol talking, but that doesn’t make your words hurt less. You made me wonder if things were over between us.”
“Never.” I sit on the bed, my head falling into my hands as I wonder how I let things escalate to that.Why do I keep drinking?“I hate being that drunk. I should’ve talked to you. I knew getting drunk would just add fuel to the flames that were burning. I knew I would end up taking it out on you. The moment I said those words, even in my drunk mind I knew, I fucked up.” The words are on the tip of my tongue.
I have something to tell you.
I had a problem.
I have a problem.
I shake the thoughts from my head knowing I am nowhere near the rock bottom I’d hit years back. This was a minor setback, but this was also the realization I needed.
A lack of control triggered my thirst for alcohol. I could usually get it under control withoutlosingcontrol but watching Charlotte with her husband broke my resolve.Hell, it almost broke me completely in that moment.
“How could you watch that?” she whispers as she makes her way to the bed. My body immediately notices she doesn’t sit in my lap like she usually does when we’re seated in the same room.
I’m immediately on edge as I prepare to answer her question. The feelings of dread flood my body as my mind flashes to her tits in his mouth, her cunt full of another man’s cock. Just like that, the thirst was back. I clear my throat, swallowing the saliva that has pooled in my mouth thinking about the bottle of whiskey in my office which still has enough for at least two drinks.
“At first, I think I was in shock,” I tell her, grabbing her hand, desperate for a connection to anything other than the substance that always seems to be there when I needed it.Unlike everyone else that claimed to love me, alcohol never left my side. It never made me feel weak or less than what I was. As a matter of fact, I usually felt powerful, sexy, masculine. It’s a heady feeling alcoholics try to forget.
There’s that word again.
Alcoholic.
“You’re not visible until a few seconds in,” I continue, stroking the soft skin of her hand back and forth. “He was holding the camera and the first few seconds are just—him going in and out of you and then he raises the camera and the first thing I see are your breasts. Ones I’d know anywhere. All I could think waskeep them out of his mouth.”
I chance a glance, and her eyes are soft with hints of sadness behind their brown warmth. There’s a hint of pink in her cheeks as if she’s just as uncomfortable as I am. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” she whispers. “I’m angry at how you handled it, but, no one was ever supposed to see it in the first place. You’re certainly the last person I ever would have ever wanted to see that.”
“Your eyes.” I start. “I see your eyes and you’re so…happy. I see the lust in your eyes. I recognized the look because you’ve given it to me on so many occasions. Watching you in the throes of passion with someone else, hearing those words…it was a bitter pill to swallow. I know I should have stopped, but I just couldn’t pull away,” I tell her honestly. Call it morbid curiosity, like when you can’t pull your eyes away from the car accident as you pass it, even though you know you need to keep your eyes on your own lane.
“That was almost nine years ago.” There’s a hint of placation in her tone I wish I couldn’t detect. “I don’t even know who that girl is anymore, Will. I was happy once upon a time, when I married him. But I changed,wechanged.” Her eyes trace my face. Eyes full of love and devotion—for me.“I loveyou.”
“I know you do, baby.” I stroke her face gently, rubbing my thumb over the apples of her cheeks and down her face, dipping it slowly into her mouth. “I love you. I’m sorry about how I behaved.” She moves closer, letting her legs slide over my lap and I relish the closeness.
“Are you going to let this go?”
“Yes. I don’t want anything between us. It just might take me some time to stop picturing another man giving you an orgasm.” I roll my eyes and she scoffs.
“I was probably faking it.”
My eyes flash to hers. “I know what it looks like when you come, baby. Unless you’ve been faking it with me.”
