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Mum purses her lips. “I’ve made an appointment with Eric for tomorrow.”
“C’mon, Mum,” I plead with her. “I stuffed up, but Joel was being a smartarse and I just acted without thinking. I’ll apologise to him. Please don’t make me go see the psych.”
Eyes sparkling with tears at my distress, she shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Oli, but I’ve let it go on for too long. It’s only been three months, but you just keep pushing everyone away.”
“No I hav–”
She raises her hand, interrupting me. “You have, and we let you get away with it for a while. That’s my fault.” She sniffs, brushing away a tear and I hang my head, swallowing the knot in my throat. My heart pounds in my chest. “We all miss your dad, and it can’t have been easy having been…” another sniff, “…been in the car, but you’re not sleeping and now this.” She sighs. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you haven’t been in a car since the accident.”
Gripping the table in front of me, I squeeze my eyes shut. A tingling sensation starts in my toes, spreading up through my legs as they bounce up and down. My chest tightens and I struggle to suck in a breath.
“Oli?” Mum’s voice sounds like she’s underwater. I feel a slight pressure on my back as she rubs in circles. “Honey?”
Shaking my head to clear it, I force my eyes open looking down at Mum crouched next to me.
“Please,” I choke out. “I just want to forget any of it ever happened. Don’t make me go. Principal Fraser is making me see Ms Scott when I return to school on Friday. Isn’t that enough?” I sound like a petulant ten-year-old, but I don’t care.
I don’t want to keep living through this. I just want it all to go away.
“Sorry, mate.” Mum shakes her head. “It’ll do you good to talk to someone about what’s going on.”
Sighing, I give a last-ditch plea. “Okay, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll talk to Ms Scott about what’s going on if you don’t make me go back to the psych.”
Mum studies my face. “I love you, and I want to help you through this,” she finally says. “But after today I’m really worried. It’s non-negotiable, honey.”
Non-negotiable. The story of my life. I kiss her on top of her head before making my way to my room.
My phone rings as I lay down on my bed. Glancing down at the screen I see Hannah’s face light up my screen. Her eyes are crossed, and she’s poking her tongue out. She hates the photo, but it’s one of my favourites. It was taken two summers ago when her parents took us down to their beach house in Torquay. We’d spent the day body surfing and having a sandcastle building contest with Brad. This photo was taken just after her dad announced me the winner.
My hand hovers over the call button. It’s her eighteenth birthday in two days. I dropped off a gift to Brad the other day and helped him write out the clue cards for her annual birthday treasure hunt. He must have told her I’d been there. But I can’t bring myself to accept the call, and I let the phone ring out. It’s bad enough I’m going to be forced to talk about my feelings tomorrow and Friday. I don’t need to explain what happened today to Hannah as well. I’ve disappointed enough people in my life today without adding her to the list. She’s already disappointed in me as it is because of Sarah. I turn my phone off and throw it on my bed.
I need to sort myself out before I can face her disappointment. I guess that starts tomorrow.
20
“It’s been a little while since we last saw one another,” Eric says in his infuriatingly patient voice. “How have things been?”
Shit.
Staring at the framed degrees on the wall behind his head, I try to ignore Eric’s eyes on me as he waits for me to answer his loaded question. The awkward silence stretches on and I begin to fidget in my chair.
“I don’t know,” I finally say with a sigh. My shoulders droop. I’m sick of fighting. I’m exhausted.
Eric raises his eyebrows and continues to wait.
I clear my throat and run my hand through my hair. “I guess I’m sick of letting everyone down.”
Pursing his lips, Eric nods. “Okay, why do you feel like you’re letting everyone down?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Mum and Jake think I’m avoiding them at home, and Mum’s upset that I got suspended from school for hitting someone.” I pause before adding, “And I haven’t been able to get in a car since the accident.”
Eric gives me an encouraging smile. “Let’s start with your mum and Jake. He’s the middle brother, am I right?”
I nod.
Eric checks his notes. “Right, and your older brother is Sam, but he doesn’t live with you?”
“No. He’s in Melbourne.”
