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“Yeah, whatever.” I run my hand through my hair. “At least you can still play footy. I’ll never play again.”
“What?” His face screws up in confusion. “I heard you were just sitting out the rest of this season.”
“Yeah, you’d be happy with that, wouldn’t you?” I sneer. “Get your biggest competition out of the way for the draft. But will any club want you after that? Looks like you ruined two lives with your stupid jealousy over a girl who likes to play games.”
Joel’s cheeks redden.
“Seriously man, just keep out of my way. I don’t need your apologies.”
I turn and walk away, rolling back my shoulders and try to release the tension.Screw Joel and his apologies. He and Sarah have pretty much ruined my life.
∞
After tossing and turning all night, I sleep through my alarm the next morning. I wake to a knock on my door, and I call out to Mum that I’m too sick to go to school today. The door opens, and I groan, rubbing my hands over my face. I hear a sniff and I peer through my hands to see Hannah’s pale face, her eyes red and blotchy.
Despite it being a school morning, she’s dressed in sweats. I check my watch, it’s almost ten.Shit, why didn’t Mum wake me before she went to work? What is going on?Hannah’s lower lip wobbles, and she looks like she is only just holding it together. When our eyes meet, a few stray tears slip down her cheeks. She curls up next to me on the bed and rests her head on my naked chest, her loose hair cascading over her face, tickling my skin as she sobs.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I ask, wrapping my arms around her.
She shudders and tries to compose herself. I tip her chin up so her green eyes pierce mine and my stomach twists in knots. I hate seeing her like this.
“It’s… it’s…” She shakes her head, trying to find the words. “It’s Joel,” she manages to choke out, and buries her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she breaks down.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Hannah, I have no idea what is going on, but…” my voice trails off as she shakes her head again.
She exhales, wiping her nose with her sleeve. “Joel’s… he… he’s, um,” Hannah sniffs. “He’s dead.”
I blink at her. My head is thumping, and it’s got nothing to do with my concussions.This cannot be happening.My body feels weighed down like lead. “Are you serious?” is all I can think to say, even though I know this isn’t something Hannah would joke about. She nods her head, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “What? How?”
“His mum found…” Hannah looks away. “She went in to wake him and... and he’d… he was…I don’t understand why he would… how can someone get to the point where they would…” Unable to speak anymore, she buries her head in my shoulder again.
A tingling sensation spreads through my chest, and I’m finding it difficult to breathe. I only saw him at school yesterday. He’s eighteen. Fit and healthy. Putting two and two together from what Hannah’s saying, does this mean… did he… could he have taken his own life?
I think about what I said to him at my locker. Did I really tell him he was responsible for messing up both our lives?Am I the reason he did this to himself?“How did you… who told you? Why would he…”
Hannah sniffs. “We got a message this morning that school was cancelled. Joel’s little sister is in year eight. I think they thought… I don’t know… that it wasn’t right for us to be there or something.”
I shake my head.This is not real.
Hannah takes another shaky breath. “Then Tiana called me. Sarah’s a mess. Apparently one of Joel’s brothers called her and… and Tiana didn’t know what to do. I guess she needed someone to talk to, so she called me.”
“I didn’t want this.”
Hannah’s eyes snap up to meet mine. “Of course you didn’t.”
My phone pings. I reach over and grab it from my bedside table, my heart racing. It’s Macca.
Dude, call me when you get this.
I rub my hands over my face and look back at Hannah. “What if he did it because of what happened between us at school yesterday? I told him he ruined both our lives.”
She pulls my hands away. “Nothing you did or said caused this. I promise you, it’s not your fault.” She brushes her lips against mine. “It’s not your fault.”
I nod, but I can’t chase away the thoughts. My phone pings again. This time it’s JD.
Did you check your emails? Call me.
I sigh.It really is true.
