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My stomach twists seeing her so miserable, but she put Hannah and me through so much. Joel, too. I need time to process all of this.
“Are you okay to get home?”
Sarah nods, twisting her foot into the sand under the swing. I turn and leave her sitting on the swing on her own in the park. I need to get home to Hannah.
44
Oliver is cagey about what he had to help JD with. He settles down next to me to watch the end of the movie, but he’s distant and keeps looking at his phone. I don’t want to ask anything in front of Jake and Kenzie, but as soon as we’re alone in his bedroom lying in the dark, I break my silence.
“What happened tonight? Is JD okay? You were a million miles away during the movie.”
“Sorry.” He pulls me closer to him and I snuggle in, resting my head against his chest. “Just thinking about how badly I treated you at the start of this year.”
I furrow my brow. “What brought all this on?”
He shrugs. “I dunno. I guess the funeral kind of brought everything back up. I was a real asshole to you, Han. I’m so sorry.” He kisses the side of my head. “I don’t deserve you.”
I laugh, trying to lighten the mood. “No, probably not. But what kind of person would I be if I didn’t forgive my best friend for being a jackass every now and then?”
Oliver sighs. “I wasn’t just a jackass. I really hurt you.”
I tilt my head up so I can press my lips to his. “You made a mistake. I can forgive you for that.”
He shakes his head. “You’re too good for me.”
I poke him in the side. “And don’t you forget it.”
“Thank you,” Oliver says quietly, resting his chin on the top of my head. His fingers are tracing up and down my arm, causing goosebumps to break out over my skin.
“For what?”
“For always being here when I needed you.”
We fall quiet but wrapped in his arms I can feel the tension in Oliver’s body. It’s like I can actually hear his brain mulling whatever is going on that he isn’t telling me about. I thought we were past keeping secrets, but he’s definitely keeping something from me.
I close my eyes and try to fall asleep, but I can’t. Oliver’s body hasn’t relaxed, and I know something is bothering him. I rest my chin on his chest and look up at him. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
Oliver sighs and shuffles up to a sitting position, leaning back against his headboard, pulling me up with him. He presses a kiss to my shoulder, nuzzling his head in against my neck. “I lied to you tonight.”
My stomach drops, but I wait for him to continue.
“I didn’t have to go and help JD with anything.” His words stab at my heart and I’m terrified of what he’s going to say next. “I went and met up with Sarah.”
My body stiffens in his arms, but he pulls me tighter, so tight I can barely breathe. I don’t think I am breathing right now. The pain his words have incited in me have left me breathless.
“It’s not like it sounds.” He tilts my chin up to look at him, but I drop my eyes. I can’t look at him right now. I want to throw up. “She texted me saying she needed to talk, and all I could think about were all the horrible things I said to her, and all the horrible things I said to Joel, and how he’s not here anymore and I didn’t want her to not be here anymore because of something I said.” He sucks in a deep breath after his rush of words. “I just needed to make sure that no one else hurt themselves because of something I said, or did, or didn’t do. I can’t be the reason for anymore death.”
He whispers those final words and I finally bring my eyes up to meet his. They are red and glistening and full of hurt.
“I’ve done a lot of stupid things this past year, but I needed to make sure she was okay. I’m sorry for lying to you, but I didn’t know what else to do, and I didn’t want to hurt you.” A tear escapes down his cheek and I reach up to brush it away with my thumb, resting my hand against his warm cheek. “I just keep making stupid mistakes that always seem to hurt you.”
My vision blurs as I stare at him, trying to think of something to say that will make him feel better.
“Oli, I need you to listen to me very carefully, okay?” He nods. “You need to stop blaming yourself for every shitty thing that has happened this year.” I take a deep breath. “Your dad’s death wasnotyour fault. You didn’t decide to get in a car and drive drunk. You didn’t run a red light because of it. The only person responsible for that is the other driver. Not you. Not your dad. The drunk driver.” More tears run down Oliver’s face, but he gives a small nod. “And the other thing you are not responsible for is Joel’s choices. You cannot blame yourself for that. Yes, you’ve had a couple of run ins with him this year, but he made the choice to do what he did. You need to remember that. It washischoice. Not yours. You have to let go of the blame that you are putting on yourself. That’s what is holding you down, and it’s not your blame to hold.”
I kiss his lips, tasting the salt from his tears and letting out a shaky breath I continue. “As for meeting up with Sarah, I can’t tell you it doesn’t hurt, because it does.” He winces. “But I get why you went to see her. I understand. I just wish you had of told me. The lies need to stop, Oli. From now on. Otherwise, I’m never going to be able to trust you.”
“I’m sorry,” he chokes out pressing his lips to mine, but I pull back and shake my head.
