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Chapter Forty-five
After Jill laid the guilt on Ruby, she knew she had no choice but to make the call to Kurt. Being away from him for so long had eaten at her nerves until she felt raw. Even her stomach began acting up again to where she wanted to scream.
She knew the baby sensed her mood and resisted her behavior. Hell, if she could see through her skin, she swore the little bastard was into karate. In fact, nothing in her world sat on an even keel. Sensing Kurt’s looming news would break her, she rejected the bearer and hid.
But life has a way of poking through to where it’s insane to continue trying to outrun it. She had to face the facts that she’d screwed up. Ruby only had the capacity to lie to herself for so long before her inane sense of right kicked in. The training she’d taken so seriously as a probie had always been a part of her. And the various times she’d overstepped and then put in her place had formed who she was as a firefighter. When had she forgotten all that learning? And why?
Ever since the day she’d discovered her pregnancy, she’d slipped back into thinking herself immune, exceptional… God’s special gift.
Fuck, where was her head? She needed to cut out that crap and get her feet back on the ground. Her boss depended on her, and so did her team. They’d sent notes with funny drawings, showing their support. And Caro had been there for her, reaching out, sending a goofy bouquet of dandelions she’d made up.
They cared about her. She knew it. God, she felt it every day she spent with them. It was past time she grew up and accepted she wasn’t perfect. Neither had her father been a saint though all the stories she’d heard while growing up had proclaimed that as the truth.
Only Jill had attempted to make her see him as being just a man doing a dangerous job. She’d tried to explain her feelings when they’d gotten the news of his death, but Ruby had shut her down, didn’t wish to know anything except that her dad had been a hero. Maybe a dead hero, but he’d gone above and beyond what was expected of him. At least he’d tried to save that child.
Just knowing that had kept her from falling apart when she’d learned about the horror of his passing. His bravery had given her the strength to let him go, but only as far as the altar she’d erected for him in her subconscious… her terrible emptiness being compensated with pride.
But now, she needed to let the pain of his loss finally into her heart. He’d been a mortal man and had risked everything in vain. Just as she had done. Only, in her case, she hadn’t been pulled to her death along with the vehicle. She’d actually saved the woman.
Facing the truth, she accepted that it could have easily happened the other way. When she’d reached into the car to undo the safety belt, she’d known the risk but had ignored the voice telling her it was stupid… to wait for help.
What if pulling at the woman’s body had been the last push it took for the vehicle to go over? What if she’d have taken the few seconds to secure the car? Would there have been time? Face it, chickie, if the car hadn’t flipped over the cliff, there wouldn’t have been the fire and potential risk to the homes nearby. You’re doing. You!
Jesus, the moving pictures in her head were streaming so quickly, she flopped back on the couch, hugged the pillow to her breast just in time for the dam to burst. She sobbed out the pain eating at her insides… and moaned over her blind egotism.
Lord, she cried so hard, breathing became a chore. She wept for her father who she’d loved so dearly. The man who’d made her his little princess and had always kept her safe. Who’d taken foolish risks and died because of his bravery. But had given her his genes and her childish belief she was omnipotent.
Suddenly, as if the baby recognized she needed a touch, she sensed its soothing warmth. The gentle motions it shared had her reaching for her tummy with a soothing hand. “I’m sorry, baby. For risking my life and yours. I’m such an idiot, such a-a stupid show-off, and… a jerk. I promise I’ll do better. You’re the most important thing in my world right now – well you and Kurt. I’ll grow up. I promise. I’ll grow up so you can be the child.”
