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“I need you to understand that this was real for me—all of it. I wasn’t prepared to open my heart to anyone when you stumbled into my life. I tried to fight against it, tried to resist you, but you made me love you anyway; even when I didn’t want to. I didn’t realize it back then, but I needed you more than I would’ve ever thought possible. You became my rock, my strength. You held me up when I didn’t have the strength to do it myself, and you never once asked me for anything in return.” I pause, letting out a shaky breath.
“But no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I wish I could be your wife someday—I just can’t.”
“What are you saying, Tess?” The question is an automatic response. I can tell by the look on his face he still hasn’t fully processed what I’m doing.
“I’m saying I can’t marry you, Bennett. I can’t be with you, not in the way you deserve. You deserve a woman who will give you her whole heart. A woman who will love you more than anything in this world. A woman who will never have to split her love between you and someone else. I can’t stay here and pretend to be that woman anymore. Because the truth is I gave my heart to someone when I was sixteen-years-old, and I never got it back.” I swipe at the tears now falling down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Bennett. I’m sorry that I made you believe I could give you something I can’t. I’m sorry that I made you promises I’m now going to have to break. I’m just so, so sorry.” My bottom lip quivers as I speak.
I know I’m the one doing the hurting here, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me to do it. It doesn’t mean that the part of me that loves Bennett isn’t already mourning the loss of him. No matter how sure I am about what I want it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve loved the man standing in front of me for the better part of almost two years, and I’m going to miss him horribly.
“I-I don’t understand. Why did you say yes? Why did you agree to move in with me? Why do any of it if you were just planning on leaving me anyway?”
“I wasn’t planning for this. In fact, it’s something I hadn’t decided until earlier today. I meant it when I said yes. I do love you, Bennett.”
“If you loved me you wouldn’t be doing this right now.” The first sign of anger sparks in his voice.
“It’s not that simple,” I try to explain.
“Sebastian,” he cuts in, his eyes full of questions and hurt.
There’s nothing I can do or say, I know the truth is written all over my face.
“How long has this been going on? Have you been seeing him behind my back?”
“Of course not. I would never do that to you. It’s not something that’s been going on for a certain period of time, more like something that I buried and refused to face. I know it’s hard to understand, and I’m sure right now you probably hate me, but please know that at the end of the day I’m sparing us both. I never could’ve made you happy, not truly, not when my heart exists somewhere else.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Bennett takes a step back, shaking his head like he’s still trying to process it all.
“Don’t say anything. Just let me go.” I reach out and take his hand, turning his palm upright before depositing the engagement ring he gave me into it. I close his fingers around the ring and mine around his hand.
He looks down at our point of contact and then back up to my face, the emotion so evident in his eyes that I nearly lose my ability to go through with this. It’s hard, saying goodbye to someone like Bennett, knowing the pain and shock I’m sure he’s feeling. But at the end of the day, I know this is the right thing for both of us.
He opens his mouth like he wants to say something—maybe even try to convince me to stay—but then he closes it without a word. The moment stretches on for what feels like forever, his brown eyes locked on mine, a mixture of both anger and sadness behind them.
“Go,” he finally says, pulling his hand away from mine.
“Bennett.”
“Go, Tess.” He raises his voice, a slight shake to it. “Don’t make this any worse than it already is. Just leave. Please.”
I bite my bottom lip, willing myself not to say another word as I nod only once and silently back away, slipping into my Jeep seconds later.
I wish I could say it was easy—pulling away from that curb—watching a man I agreed to marry just one week ago disappear in my rearview mirror, knowing I’d likely never see him again. But it wasn’t. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Nothing about any of this is easy. And while I’ve gotten through the part I was dreading the most, there’s still the matter of Sebastian and the worry that maybe I’m too late. Maybe last week was his breaking point and I pushed him too far. Maybe this is all for not. Maybe…
And while that thought sparks fear deep inside me, I also know that I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t at least take the chance.
***
“You’re sure about this?” Bree looks up at the apartment building and then back to where I’m sitting in the passenger seat of her car.
I arrived in California two days ago. After realizing that Sebastian had changed his phone number and Courtney had no idea what his address was, I had to resort to contacting his mother. To say that was an unpleasant conversation is quite the understatement, but at the end of it, I did manage to get Sebastian’s address out of her; though truthfully, I didn’t think she was going to give it to me.
Now, sitting next to Bree, looking up at the brick six-story building in front of me, I realize that making that phone call was nothing compared to what I’m about to do now. My stomach is a mass of nervous knots, and I swear my hands have never sweated so much in my life. My nerves, which I thought couldn’t get any worse when I woke this morning, only intensified on the hour drive down from where Bree lives.
I’m an absolute total wreck. It’s not lost on me that this is very possibly the way Sebastian felt when he came to me. I just hope this visit will end up with a different result than his previous two.
“I’m sure,” I finally manage to answer Bree’s question, letting out a slow breath as I look back in her direction.
