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I meet Ant’s eyes, and he seems to be doing the same thing. Jackson is such an animated child who sometimes comes across much older than his five years.
“Well, let me take a look.” I smile down at him before focusing on the screen as I un-pause the game.
I look it for all of thirty seconds and swear I’m already going cross-eyed. He’s doing some puzzle game, but the pieces are in all directions and you have to figure out the puzzle before you get the next clue to move on in the game.
Ant, sensing my dilemma, quickly snags the tablet from my hands with a chuckle.
“Come on, Jack man; let’s go figure this out in the living room while your mama finishes making dinner.” Ant winks in my direction before leading Jack from the room.
I stare at the doorway they just exited through for a long moment, wondering if this is what it feels like to have a real family. The mom, dad, and son; just a normal night at home. I know it’s a ludicrous thought, one that would never happen for the three of us. But the more Ant is around, the harder of a time I seem to be having reminding myself of this fact.
I think what happened last night is clear proof that he’s at least attracted to me. You don’t kiss someone the way Ant kissed me and not be at least a little interested. But then he was so quick to let me off the hook which leaves me wondering if maybe it was just his way of backing out because he changed his mind.
My mind continues to swirl around the possibilities as I finish up dinner. By the time it’s ready and I’ve made all three of us plates, an anxious knot has formed in my stomach and my appetite is nowhere to be found.
I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I work tirelessly to convince myself what I want everyone else to believe—that Ant and I are just friends. When in reality, he feels like so much more than that.
I’m just not sure what, if anything, I can do about it. But I’m also not sure if I can continue to ignore the way I feel either. I’m in a catch twenty-two, and I’m not sure which way is the right way.
“You need help with that?” Ant appears in the doorway of the kitchen, Jack sitting atop his shoulders with a wide smile on his little face.
The sight nearly brings me straight to the floor.
Ant, so tall and handsome, looking at me the way I’ve always wished he would. Jack, looking so happy his little cheeks might split apart, his head tilted back in laughter as Ant bobs on his heels causing Jackson to bounce up and down on his shoulders.
It’s hard fighting what’s happening between us—the magic, the pull, this weird gut feeling that this is how it was always meant to be—when they fit together in my life so perfectly.
“Nope. I got it,” I finally answer, shooing them out of the doorway.
Ant smiles wider and then gallops away making horse sounds while Jack squeals happily through the apartment.
I have to fight back the tears and the laughter at the same time because, honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt quite so many conflicting emotions before.
I know what it feels like to be afraid. I know what it feels like to be ashamed, alone, and hurt—both mentally and physically. To feel like I’ll never be enough. Oddly enough those feelings I can handle.
But these feelings, the ones currently pumping through me—the hope and love and possibility—I have no idea how to handle a single one.
Maybe this is another one of life’s cruel tricks. Having something you’ve always wanted within your grasp but not having the courage to reach out and just take it.
