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Watching Courtney get ready for herdatewith Ant was almost as hard as watching the two exit my apartment together just after six. Of course, the entire situation was made worse by the fact that Ant barely even looked at me the hour before they left, and I didn’t miss that the tub of clothes he’s been storing in the hallway closet was suddenly gone either.
As the evening progresses, I can’t help but kick myself for the way I’ve handled this entire situation—especially earlier today. I’ve been so focused on not hurting Courtney that I never once considered what this might be doing to Ant.
So as I drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine, I let my mind wander over everything that’s happened the past couple of months. I think about seeing Ant that first time after so long, standing outside of Sebastian’s apartment building. I remember the way he flirted with me the entire night, making me feel a way even then I didn’t understand.
Hell, I still don’t understand it.
I think about our first kiss, how had Jackson not gotten out of bed it’s likely things would have gone past the point of no return. I wonder if it wouldn’t have been easier if it had. Maybe I’ve spent too much time thinking and not enough time acting.
I’ve made so many mistakes in my past—things I’ll never be able to take back—and because of that, I live with a lot of regrets. I’m so scared of ending up down the same paths I’ve already taken that I’m incapable of moving forward.
Ant doesn’t know the things I’ve been through, the things I’ve done. He looks at me like I’m some sort of angel. I think in a way I’m afraid to let him in because I know once I do, once I fully open up to him, he will never look at me that way again and I’m not ready to lose that.
Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe Courtney really is who he should be with. She has the ability to give him her whole self. She’s uncomplicated and untainted. She’s so much more than I will ever be. And isn’t that what he deserves—the better woman?
I’m so torn between what I want and what I think is right that I can’t see a scenario where I don’t lose something.
By one o’clock in the morning I’ve finished off the remaining two bottles of wine left over from our girls’ night last night and have worked myself into such a frenzy that I’m pacing the living room back and forth, afraid that if I don’t at least move I’m going to pull my hair straight from my scalp.
When I hear the lock click and the door open, I freeze in place, Anthony the last person I expect to see step inside. He catches my gaze instantly, and I can see the clear indication of surprise etched across his face.
“I didn’t think you’d be up,” he says, gently closing the door before sliding the lock back into place.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I admit, following his gaze to the two empty wine bottles on the coffee table.
“I see you were busy.” He drops his keys on the table next to the door.
“Not as busy as you I’m sure,” I bite, hating myself a little more with each second that passes.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He steps further into the room, stopping a couple feet from where I’m standing.
“It’s one in the morning. You can figure it out.”
“I’m aware of what time it is. What I’m unaware of is why you seem to care so much.”
“Are you seriously asking me that right now?” My voice shakes, and I hate how all over the place my emotions are.
This isn’t me. This emotional, wear my heart on my sleeve girl who has appeared over the last few weeks is not who I am. I have perfected the art of wearing my mask, so why is it every time Ant is near I can’t seem to hold it in place.
“I am.” His gaze drops to my mouth for a brief moment, the action causing my pulse to quicken slightly. “The last time we spoke you made it pretty clear we weren’t together nor would we ever be, so I guess I’m confused why me being out late has any effect on you whatsoever.”
“Just because I said we can’t be together doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or where you’ve been all night.”
“Is that so?” He eyes me curiously before finally just giving in. “We met up with Tess and Sebastian for drinks after dinner, that’s why I’m out so late.”
“The happy couples all reunited.” It leaves my mouth before I can stop it.
“Is that what you think?” He takes a deep breath like he’s trying to keep himself calm, and this only pisses me off more.
I want him angry. I want to fight. Because fighting is so much better than hurting, and right now I’m in pure agony.
“Seems pretty clear to me.” I cross my arms in front of my chest. “Tell me, is she as good as you remember or has she picked up a few tricks along the way?”
I know my comment is out of line, but right now I just don’t care. My blood is being fueled by wine and jealousy, and I can’t seem to control myself.
“Wow. Would you listen to yourself right now?”
“I am listening to myself. And I’m also listening to you not deny it,” I accuse.
