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This hat was Kam’s favorite. He wore it almost everywhere. I thought about putting it inside his casket but at the last minute changed my mind, deciding I wanted to hang on to it.
I’m still studying the hat, wondering how Kam would react if he knew what I was doing right now, when I catch a glimpse of Elara crossing the yard through the bedroom window. Quickly sliding the cap back on my head, I make my way downstairs, taking the steps two at a time before pushing my way outside.
I swallow down the hard lump in my throat, not able to take my eyes off her as we both make our way toward the car from opposite directions.
She replaced her black dress with dark leggings and a long gray sweater that almost hangs to her knees, her long blonde hair now tied into a messy knot on top of her head. She’s so damn beautiful that for a moment I forget who she is entirely and just focus on the way her hips sway as she walks. On the way she nibbles her bottom lip nervously when she reaches the car. And the way her sweet vanilla scent engulfs me the instant she climbs into the seat next to me.
“Ready?” I ask, watching as she nervously pulls the arm of her sweater over her brace.
“Ready,” she answers after a moment, nodding.
Slipping on my seatbelt, I back out of the driveway, meeting Elara’s gaze in the reflection of the window for the briefest moment before she quickly looks away.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask after several long moments of silence have stretched between us.
“Okay.” I see her glance in my direction out of my peripheral vision but I keep my gaze locked on the road.
“You loved my brother?”
“Is that a question?” She seems confused.
“No. I mean, you loved him. I know that. And I know how much you meant to him. So why did you two never…”
“Why did we never date?” she finishes my sentence, clearly picking up on where I’m going with this.
“Yeah.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Most things are.”
“You wouldn’t understand.” She shrugs.
“Try me,” I offer.
“Kam was my best friend. And I was in love with him,” she admits, looking back out the window. “At first I thought he didn’t feel the same way. But as time went on I knew he did. I could tell.”
“Then what was the hold up?”
“I don’t know, honestly.” She lets out a slow breath. “I guess I didn’t want to be the one to come out and say it. I needed him to do it. It seems so stupid now. All the time we wasted.” She sniffs and only then do I notice the tears that have once again welled in her eyes.
Without thinking I reach over and squeeze her hand, not missing the way she once again tenses at my touch.
“I told him I was in love with him the day of the accident,” she admits, a couple tears streaking down her cheek. “I told him I loved him and then I watched him die.”
In an instant, I’m yanking the car to the side of the road. After unclasping my seat belt and then hers, I have her in my arms within seconds of putting the car in park.
“Shhh,” I whisper into her hair, fighting back the overwhelming urge to just let myself go right along with her.
“Be strong for her,”I hear Kam say in my mind. “Take care of my girl.”
“We missed out on so much.” She turns her face into my chest, clenching the sleeve of my shirt with her good hand as the sobs rack through her. “We wasted so much time.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know a single word that can comfort her right now. So I do the only thing I know to do. I hold onto her as tightly as I can and let her cry herself out.
I don’t know how much time has passed by the time she finally pulls away. Maybe it’s seconds. Maybe it’s several minutes. All I know is that when she pulls back and looks up at me with swollen blood shot eyes, I nearly lose it.
“I’m so sorry.” She withdraws quickly like she’s only now remembering who she’s with.
