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God, I can’t even sit next to him without getting all squeamish. How the hell am I going to last a month in Italy with him?
Before the thought has time to fester, the captain’s voice comes across the intercom announcing that we are about to take off. In an instant, every other thought comes to a screeching halt. The earlier tension and anxiety I felt returns with full force as I grip both of the arm rests.
“Hey.” Kane’s voice is soft, pulling my gaze to his. “Deep breaths.” He coaches me as the plane starts to move–taking a deep breath in and then waiting until I do the same before slowly letting it out.
I follow his lead, pulling in air when he does and then releasing it at the same time.
Just as I feel myself beginning to relax, the plane starts to lift and in that instant my stomach feels like it turns completely upside down. Pushing my head back against the seat, I turn to watch the ground disappear below us from my view out of the window.
I don’t even realize I’ve grabbed Kane’s hand until I’m squeezing it so hard my own begins to throb.
“I’m sorry.” I finally let go as the plane levels out and I no longer feel like I’m seconds away from dying.
“It’s okay.” He offers me a reassuring smile. “You should have seen Kamden the first time he flew.”
At the mention of his brother’s name the nauseous feeling from earlier returns. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about Kam, of course I do, but there’s so much guilt that comes along with every conversation we have about him.
“Oh yeah?” I push past the knot in my throat and force a smile.
“He threw up before we even made it down the runway.” He chuckles, losing himself to the memory.
“He didn’t?” I find myself suppressing my own laughter, somehow not all that surprised by what he’s telling me.
“Oh he did.” He nods. “All over my mom’s shoes.”
“Oh god.”
“It was pretty funny.”
“How old was he?”
“Eight or nine maybe.”
“Poor kid.” I try to imagine Kam at that age but for whatever reason I can’t seem to picture it and the thought bothers me more than I expect it to.
“He got over it. He never really took to flying but he wasn’t scared after that. I think it was the unknown that got to him.”
“I can understand that.”
“Can you?” He studies me for a long moment before finishing his thought. “Because I have a hard time picturing the girl who dove offViper’s Cliffbeing anything but intrigued by the unknown.”
“God, did Kam tell you all the stupid stuff I did?”
“Pretty much.” He smiles.
“Well, I’m not that girl anymore.” I shake my head, my eyes going back to look out the window.
“That’s a shame,” he says after a long moment. “I think I would have liked that girl.”
“You wouldn’t have. She caused more problems than she was worth.”
“My brother didn’t seem to think so.”
“Yeah, and look where he is now,” I snip. In an instant the realization of what I said hit me like a ton of bricks. “I’m so sorry.” I turn to meet Kane’s dark gaze. “I don’t know why I said that.”
“It’s okay, Elara. You’re allowed to be angry.” His understanding and patience is both reassuring and frustrating.
I don’t want him to be understanding with me. I want him to lash out. Tell me how everything is my fault. Blame me the way I know he should.
