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“Just do it.” He grins. “I gotta go.” He checks his watch, adjusting the duffel bag on his shoulder. “I love you.” He leans in, capturing my chin.
“I love you too.” His mouth presses to mine once more.
“I’ll call you later,” he murmurs against my lips before pulling away.
“Be safe.”
“Always.” He winks, then turns, leaving me standing in the middle of the airport forced to watch him walk away.
—-
My eyes are sore fromcrying by the time I make it back to the beach house. I know it sounds ridiculous. It’s not like I won’t see him again. But there’s something else there. Some underlying concern that seems to fuel the intensity of my emotions that I have yet to fully admit to myself.
Tossing the keys to the Chevy on the kitchen island, I take a long minute to look around my new house. I’ve spent weeks inside these walls. Hours designing and decorating, but not once did I ever actually believe it would be mine.
Crossing into the living room, I grab Hudson’s shirt off the back of the chair from last night when I peeled it off of him while he was trying to make me pancakes well after midnight. Lifting the fabric to my nose, I inhale deeply, his scent so prominent I’d almost swear he was still here.
Tossing the shirt over my shoulder, I head toward the bedroom and deposit it onto the bed before peeling off my jeans and thin sweater. Digging out a pair of yoga pants from the dresser, I put them on before grabbing Hudson’s shirt and sliding the material over my head, his scent engulfing me the moment I do.
Pulling back the light gray comforter, I climb into bed, wishing he was here so I could wrap my arms around him.
The instant my head hits the pillow my eyelids grow heavy. Hudson and I were up most of the night, trying to make the most of the time we had together. Needless to say I’m exhausted. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, relaxing further into the mattress.
I’m on the cusp of sleep when I remember what Hudson said at the airport. Shooting upright, I twist, pulling open the top drawer of my night stand.
My heart beats erratically as I pull out the large brown envelope laying on top of the random junk I keep in my nightstand. My name scrawled across the front in Hudson’s handwriting.
Peeling open the clasps, I pull back the flap and peer inside. Flipping the envelope upside down, a folded piece of paper and flash drive tumble onto my lap. With shaky hands I quickly unfold the paper, reaching over to click on the bedside lamp so I can see a little better.
Lennon,
If you ever find yourself questioning whether or not we can do this, watch this and remember how much I love you.
Hudson
I’m out of the bed and padding through the house toward the office without a second thought. Sliding into the chair behind the large mahogany desk, I flip open my laptop and impatiently wait for it to load before sliding the flash drive into its port.
The moment the folder pops open, I double click on the only folder on the drive–labeledLennon. Inside is a media file which I click on, my breath catching in my throat when I’m met with Hudson’s face on my computer screen.
It’s only been less than two hours since I left him at the airport and I already miss him so much it’s hard to breathe.
“Hey Lennon.” Hudson smiles and tears instantly form behind my eyes. “So, I’ve never made a video of myself before. Hopefully you can see my face right now and aren’t staring at my feet.” He laughs and the sound warms my chest. “I wanted there to be a way for you to see me whenever you wanted, so I decided to record this. Although now that I’m doing it, it feels a little silly.” He shakes his head and smiles. “Anyway, I wrote something for you. It happened in the strangest way. Normally it takes me days to write the lyrics for a song and even then only about half of the original song makes it to the final cut. But this song, it came out of nowhere and took me all of twenty minutes to put down on paper.” He holds up a crinkled sheet of paper with words scribbled all over it.
“It was the day after we moved in. I had run out to pick up a few things and when I got home you were nowhere to be found. I searched the entire house for you before deciding to check outside. Sure enough, there you were. Your butt in the sand, knees pulled up to your chest, gaze locked out on the water. You looked so beautiful. So peaceful. And that’s when the song hit me like a bolt of lightning. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the first piece of paper I could find. I had the entire song written before you even moved. I swear I could have watched you sit there for hours.” He pauses, his mind seeming to be elsewhere.
“So.” He clears his throat. “Here it is. It doesn’t have a title yet,” he says, snagging his guitar that’s next to him before dropping it into his lap. “But it’s probably the most real thing I’ve ever written. I hope you like it.” His fingers begin to move across the strings, playing a slow, painfully beautiful melody that has an instant wave of goose bumps peppering every inch of my skin.
When he opens his mouth and his incredible voice washes over me, there’s nothing I can do to stop the tears from pouring.
The song is more open to interpretation then some of his others, but I feel like I know exactly what he’s saying. Maybe because I feel it too–the charge, the unexplained pull between us. I feel it every single time he enters a room. This song confirms that Hudson does too.
By the end of the video my heart is so full I feel like it may burst. And while the tears are still flowing freely down my cheeks, they’re not the sad tears I was crying earlier. No, these are tears of pure and unimaginable joy.
Because at the end of the day I know this man loves me and god do I love him. I love him so much that some days I feel like I can’t breathe. I love him so much I can’t help but expect the worse at every turn; sometimes working myself up to the point of near hysteria. But then he’ll walk into a room and it’s like standing outside on a perfect day. The warm sun on my skin and the ocean breeze on my face. He makes everything feel right. Like nothing bad can ever happen as long as he’s by my side.
And that’s what I choose to cling to. Not the distance that separates us or the many hurtles I’m sure we’ll have to jump. Not the maybes or what ifs. Not any of the noise that clouds our world. But how he makes me feel. How much I know we love each other. And what I know we’re both willing to risk to see this through.
Hudson Demasi isn’t just the man I love anymore. He’s a part of my very core. Engraved so deeply into my heart that I couldn’t get rid of him even if I tried.
Life may be uncertain, but my love for this man isn’t.
