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“I didn’t realize I had to.” His tone instantly puts me on edge.
“You don’thaveto do anything, Hudson, but it would be nice to know that you two are hanging out without having to learn it from my mother, whose friend told her after seeing your picture in some stupid magazine.” I throw my hands up in frustration. “When you keep things from me, it makes me question everything.”
“I’m not keeping things from you, Lennon. Yes, I’ve had dinner with Annabelle a few times. I honestly didn’t think anything of it because she’s just my friend.”
“So then I can go out to dinner with any guy I want as long as I classify him as afriend?”
“Lennon.” He pushes away from the door.
“No. I’m serious, Hudson. If she’s just a friend and I have no right to be bothered by the two of you hanging out then you shouldn’t care if I go out with some of my male friends. After all they’re just my friends.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what? It’s okay for you but not okay for me?” I grind out, my temper getting the better of me.
This isn’t how I wanted this to happen. In my mind we were going to sit down and calmly talk about it. He was going to make me feel better by convincing me I had nothing to worry about. Instead, two minutes in and it’s already spiraling.
“I didn’t say that. You keep answering for me before I can get a word in.”
“By all means, talk.” I gesture for him to continue.
“Wow.” He shakes his head slowly, running a hand through his hair as he lets out a breath. “Not really how I had envisioned spending our first Christmas Eve together, but fine, if you want to do this now then let’s do it.” He pauses for a brief moment. “Anna is my friend. Every now and then when we get a break we do hang out. It’s usually a quick bite to eat or maybe a drink, but it’s never for long periods of time and it’s never anything beyond two friends taking a break from their busy schedules. That’s all it is.”
“Then why not tell me that upfront? We talk almost every single day. Not once did you mention anything like this, which tells me you purposely avoided telling me.”
“Maybe I did.” His admission feels like a punch to my stomach. “But only because I didn’t want to do this.” He gestures between the two of us.
“Didn’t want to do what exactly? Didn’t want to have to listen to me bitch about the fact that you’re on the road with quite possibly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and the two of you are sharing romantic dinners together in your spare time,” I bite.
“Jesus, Lennon. Listen to yourself. What are we? In high school?”
“Fuck you, Hudson. You have no idea what this feels like. You have no idea what it’s like to sit here day in and day out knowing you’re out there doing god knows what with god knows who. You have no idea what it’s like to know there are images of you with another woman out there for the world to see. That everyone is assuming you two are secretly together. You have no idea how exhausting it is defending myself to everyone. Assuring my family and friends that I know what I’m doing and that I can trust you. You have no idea, Hudson. Because you’re too busy living the good life. Doing whatever the hell you want whenever you want to do it. I don’t go out with other men. You don’t have to look at pictures of me with other men or read the rumors that I’m sleeping with other people. You don’t have to live with the fear I live with every single day. Because no matter what you say, no matter what you do, I will always be afraid. I’ll always be scared of losing you. So you can either learn to live with it or stop wasting your time because that will not change.”
“You think I’m not afraid?” he erupts, his voice booming around me. “There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t worry, Lennon. Not one fucking day. I worry you’ll wake up and realize you can’t handle this. I worry you’ll find someone that can be here for you when I can’t. I worry constantly. So don’t act for one second like you’re in this alone. We may be on the opposite end from each other, but we share the same doubts and fears, Lennon. I think that’s just what it means to truly be in love with someone. Those fears will never go away for either of us, but we can’t let them rule us either. If we do, this will never work.” He crosses the room toward me, stopping at the edge of the bed a couple feet from where I’m standing.
“You can’t keep things from me,” my voice softer, his words having acted like a soothing balm to my blistered skin.
“That was a mistake. I see that now. But Lennon, you have to believe me when I tell you that Anna is just a friend. And while I’m not thrilled at the thought of you having dinner with another man, I also wouldn’t stop you from doing so. I would choose to trust you as I had hoped you would trust me. I know I kept Steph from you and that’s where a lot of this stems from, but damn it, what do I have to do to show you that you are the only one I want? Anna has nothing on you. There isn’t a woman in this world that could hold a candle to you. Don’t you get it? You’re all I see. It’s just you.” He closes the distance between us, his hand reaching out to cup my cheek.
“I’m ridiculous.” Tears flood my vision as a wave of embarrassment washes over me. I took what should have been a simple conversation and turned it into a fight for no other reason than I felt threatened.
“Hey.” Hudson pulls me into his arms, his voice soft next to my ear. “You’re not ridiculous. If the roles were reversed I probably would’ve reacted a lot worse.”
“You do so much for me and I completely lost it over a picture of you sharing a meal with another woman.” I plant my face in his chest.
“This isn’t easy for either of us. Don’t apologize for voicing how you feel. I want you to. I want you to get mad. To scream and yell. I want you to be able to get it all out and know that at the end of it we will only be stronger for it.”
“I ruined Christmas Eve, didn’t I?” I pull back and look up at him.
“Not even close.” He grins, leaning down to lay a soft kiss to my mouth.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop,” he speaks against my lips. “It’s me who should be sorry. You did nothing wrong.” He pulls back, sliding his hand into the back of my hair. “I promise from now on I will tell you if I’m going anywhere with Anna.”
“I’m not your keeper. You don’t have to check in with me,” I say, fearing that I’m already becomingthatwoman.
“No, I don’t. But I love you and I want you to feel secure. And if telling you when I’m going to be spending time with Anna gives you peace of mind then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
