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I don’t know a lot about substance addiction, but I do know it’s not uncommon for people to slip. The important thing is that they get right back up when they do. But what if he doesn’t get back up? What if I end up being responsible for completely derailing all that he has accomplished since being on the ranch?
I shake off the thought that lurks at the forefront of my mind. To have that large of an impact on someone I’d have to actually mean something and he made it pretty clear I don’t. I can’t take that on myself.
I groan again, managing to push myself into an upright position. Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I jump slightly when my phone springs to life on the bedside table.
Grabbing it, I quickly unplug it from the charger before looking at the screen. Whitney’s name dancing across it.
“Hello,” I quickly answer, needing the distraction.
“Today’s the big day,” she sings across the line.
“Well someone is in a good mood this morning.” I laugh, forcing myself out of bed.
“I know you’re shooting this morning. I just wanted to call and wish you luck and tell you to knock ‘em dead.”
“Thanks, Whit.” I smile, perfectly aware of how lucky I am to have a friend like her.
“Everything okay? You sound off.” How she manages to pick up on that is beyond me.
“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well last night. Guess I’m a little nervous,” I say, not wanting to get into the real reason why I didn’t sleep well. I don’t have it in me to talk about it right now. At least not until I’ve had a shower and maybe a gallon of black coffee. Make that two gallons of coffee and maybe a stiff shot of whiskey.
“Don’t be nervous. You’re going to be amazing. And let’s not forget about that hot co-star of yours. Aaron Samuels, holy shit. Could you be any luckier right now?”
“He is pretty cute,” I admit.
“Pretty cute?” she questions in disbelief.
“I mean, he’s not really my type.”
“Oh, that’s right. You’ve gotten into brooding hot guys with commitment issues as of late.”
“Guy, not guys,” I correct her. “And that was just sex and is over now.”
“Which is exactly why shooting with a hotter than hot lead actor is perfect. You’re back on the market and let’s face it; he’s gorgeous, talented, and available, which makes him the perfect man.”
“Except for the fact that he’s dating Lacey Ryan,” I point out, referring to the reality star that’s known for her over the top publicity schemes and party girl nature.
“What? He is not!” she objects loudly.
“Hate to break it to you, Whit, but he is. It may not be public but after five minutes of being in the same room as them it was pretty apparent.”
“I refuse to believe that someone as drop dead gorgeous as Aaron Samuels is dating a scanky whore like Lacey Ryan.”
“Refuse it all you want. Doesn’t make it any less true.”
“You’ve officially ruined my morning,” she announces dramatically.
“You’ll live.” I roll my eyes and laugh. “I gotta go, Whit. I have to be on set in less than an hour and I’ve barely managed to pull myself out of bed let alone be anywhere even close to ready.”
“Yeah. Yeah. Go. Get ready. Call me later. I want every detail of your first day.”
“Will do,” I agree.
“Love ya.”
“Love you too,” I tell her before ending the call.
Turning, I set my phone on the vanity and catch sight of myself in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot and tired, dark rims lining each one. My hair looks like birds are nesting it and I’m fairly certain I’ve gained ten pounds in the last week with all the takeout I’ve been eating.
Needless to say I feel way off my game right now and I need to snap the hell out of it. This is my big chance. My opportunity to put myself on the map and build a real career for myself. I can’t let anyone or anything get in the way of this.
I’m hurting over Thad, of course I am. I stupidly allowed myself to pursue him when I knew I wasn’t capable of just sex with him. I knew that right out of the gate. I feel too big. I fall too hard. I always have.
I let myself believe that what I was feeling for Thad would go away as easily and as quickly as it came. That it was just the connection to another person that had me desperate to be with him all the time. I knew it was bullshit even then; I just wouldn’t let myself see it.
If he had wanted me, if the choice had been between this life and him, I would have chosen him hands down. So perhaps he did me a favor. Because while yes, I would have given this up to be with him, there’s no doubt in my mind I would have regretted it in the long run and eventually resented him for it.
With that thought I take a deep breath and reset. It’s time I let go of this fantasy I’ve been carrying around. It’s time I accept that he made his choice and I’ve made mine.
