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“That’s why you pushed me away.”
“I had to. When I found out you were leaving it was like finding out the drug that had been keeping me alive for weeks was suddenly being ripped away and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how I was going to live without it. Without you. So I pushed you away and I tried to find my fix with someone else. Only it wasn’t the same. Her touch didn’t light me on fire. Her scent didn’t drive me wild. Her kiss didn’t give me the high I needed to feel satisfied. And then you were there, tears swimming in your eyes, the hurt so evident that it nearly fucking broke me.” He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “I’m so sorry, Laken. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was in control. I wasn’t. And in that moment I knew I had to let you go. Not for my sake but for yours. I knew I’d only hurt you more as time went on. I knew there was no way I could give you the life you wanted. The life you deserve. How could I? I’m a recovering addict with a criminal record. I will always be an addict. My addiction will always be a part of my life. I could never ask you to take that on.”
“You wouldn’t have had to ask,” I tell him, fighting back the urge to reach out and touch him.
“That’s my point. You would have taken it on no questions asked. But then what kind of person would that make me?”
“You deserve to be happy just like everyone else. You can’t punish yourself forever.”
“I have to.” He meets my gaze and the pain in his eyes is enough to take my breath away. “It’s the only way I know how to survive.”
“Thad.”
“I mean it, Laken. Living with my demons is the only way I know how to control them.”
“Why did you move?”
“Because nothing felt right after you were gone. Everywhere I looked there you were. Haunting me. So one night I decided to try to drink you away. Needless to say that only made things worse. That’s when I knew I had to go. I was doing myself more harm than good by being there. The ranch was only meant to be a temporary fix anyway. I couldn’t continue to hide out there and let the rest of the world pass me by. I found a support program with a group in Charter. It’s why I moved there. I’m doing a new program centered around every day recovering and not just getting you through the initial steps. One of the most important steps of this program is to not carry around the weight of your regrets. To handle each issue as it happens and not let it be something that deters your continued recovery.”
“That’s why you’re here.” I finally piece it all together.
He nods slowly, his light blue gaze holding mine intently.
“How everything went down between us. The way I treated you. How I never told you how I truly felt about you. These are all things that have stopped me from moving on. So, I decided I needed to handle it head on and Chris was good enough to help me do it by coming here with me. I knew I had to come, to give us both the closure I feel like we need.”
“What if I don’t want it to be over?” I practically choke on the words.
“It’s what’s best, Lake. You know that deep down as well as I do. Your life is here. You’re doing the one thing you said you’ve always wanted to do. Here it is, right in front of you. I don’t fit in this life and that’s okay.”
“But it’s not okay,” I argue. “You do fit. Don’t you see that? You fit with me.”
“You believe that because I’ve allowed you to believe it. You don’t know the real me, Laken. Not the broken parts anyway.”
“I know enough.”
“You know what you want to know, what I’ve let you see. You don’t understand the reality of it all. You don’t know what I’m like when I get a craving or how unpredictable I can become. One minute I can seem perfectly fine and the next I’m spiraling. Sometimes a meeting will get me through it, but what happens when it doesn’t? What happens when I come home high off of whatever I could get my hands on and lash out at you? Or worse, and I do something unforgivable and lose you forever?”
“No relationship comes with a guarantee.”
“No, but a normal relationship doesn’t come with so much risk.”
“What if I said I didn’t care? That I’d take the risk for you.”
“It wouldn’t change my mind.” He blows out a slow breath.
“So this is it?” I snap, pushing to a stand. “You come all this way for closure but in reality what you’re saying is that I’m not enough to fight for.”
“Don’t twist this around. You know that’s not it.” He watches me pace to the other side of the room and back again. “I’m doing this because I care about you, because I don’t want to hurt you the way I’ve hurt every other person that’s had the misfortune of loving me. I have quite literally disappointed everyone who’s ever been too close and I won’t do that to you. I can’t. I can’t bear to see that look in your eyes. The same look my parents’ wore every time I was arrested or showed up at their house high.”
“All I hear are excuses, Thad. You can’t be with me because of your past. You don’t deserve me. You can’t make me happy. But youdomake me happy. That’s the point you seem to be missing. We can figure the rest out. I know we can.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying because you don’t know the real me.”
“Right, only the you you’ve let me see, huh?” I bite out angrily, focusing on that emotion instead of the pain searing its way through my chest. “How convenient for you. You let me see the good parts so I’ll fuck you but when it comes to anything real you push me away because it’s just too hard. Does that about sum it up?”
“Laken,” his voice stern as he stands.
“Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t look at me with those fucking eyes and tell me how much I mean to you. That I mean so much that you’re willing to throw away what we had. Just don’t. I don’t need to hear any more, Thad. You said what you needed to say and now you can leave.”
