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Chapter One
Finley
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Have you ever had adream so vivid that you swore it was real? A nightmare so terrifying that you felt like it was a part of you, even long after you woke?
What if you woke up and realized that your nightmare was actually your reality? That everything you thought would never happen to you already has?
We go through life thinking the worst only happens to other people. Until one day - you are that person.
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I’m sitting in a sterileoffice, the distorted voice of a doctor pulsing in my ears. I can no longer understand his words. All I can manage is to stare at his degree on the wall and wish for myself to wake up. Wish for my mind to stop playing such a sick and awful trick on me.
He says it’s a malignant brain tumor.
A brain tumor?
Cancer?
I’m only nineteen.
Thirty minutes ago I thought I had my whole future ahead of me and now this doctor’s telling me my life is basically over. Instead of trying to process anything he’s telling me, I continue to stare at his degree, my eyes scanning the bold letters printed across it over and over again.
When he stops talking I finally look at him, still convinced he’s made some kind of terrible mistake.Maybe he mixed up my scans with someone else’s.When he begins to speak again it sounds like he’s talking down a tunnel. The words echo and dance around me.
He says he’ll need to remove the tumor right away, with chemo starting almost immediately after. He’s gone over all of the available options, even though it’s a blur in my mind. He said sometimes they do it the other way around, but given the size and position of the tumor I only really have two options. Take it out now and have a thirty percent survival rate or die within months. At least if I have the surgery I have a chance, albeit a very small chance. But the smallest chance is better than no chance at all... Isn’t it?
I don’t know why I’m so surprised to be meeting my demise at such a young age. It’s totally my luck. My mom didn’t want me enough to fight for me. My dad never wanted me, leaving my mom when I was just an infant. And now the world apparently doesn’t want me either.
“Did you hear me, Miss Roberts?” Dr. Newton questions, pulling me from my haze.
I know I need to acknowledge him, at least in some way. “Uh huh.” It’s all I can manage.
“Do you have any questions about your procedure?”
What are you supposed to say when someone tells you they’re going to cut into your brain and you only have a thirty percent chance of survival? And a zero percent chance if you decline.
“No.” My voice sounds like it belongs to a complete stranger.
Thirty percent...
I look down at my fingers knotted in my lap as I repeat it over and over in my head, trying to make it make sense.Thirty percent.
God, I want to get out of here. If I’m possibly going to die in less than forty-eight hours, I don’t want to spend what little time I have left sitting in this office with a doctor who looks like he’s completely unphased by my dying.
Well,I’m phased, asshole!
“Ms. Murphy will give you your paperwork on the way out. It will have all of the instructions regarding the preparation of your surgery. If you think of anything between now and then, please do not hesitate to reach out. You have my number.”
“Okay.” I stand, my legs numb beneath me, yet somehow still able to hold my weight.
“Are you sure I can’t call someone for you?” he offers for the second time since he hit me with the worst news a person can get.
“I don’t have anyone to call.”
Okay, so that’s only partly true. I do have a sister. She’s quite literally the only person in the world who cares about what happens to me. But I don’t want her to find out like this. Of course she knows about the horrible headaches and dizziness that prompted me to see a doctor in the first place. But to find out the grim diagnosis, I think that’s something she needs to hear in person. Just the thought of going home and telling the only family I have that I’m probably going to die curdles my stomach.
