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Chapter Thirty-three
Abel
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“Do you see this?” Finleyholds her arms out, her face turned up to the sky as the ocean waves crash around her feet. “It’s so beautiful here,” she says, eyes closed as the warm sun shines down on her face.
I stand next to her, not able to take my eyes off of her. She hasn’t worn a wig the entire time we’ve been on the road and she abandoned the beanie she’s been wearing a couple of days ago. The further south we drove the warmer it became and eventually she took it off.
I like her better without it. I like seeing her exactly as she is. Young. Beautiful. Alive.
We spent the last week exploring parts of Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona. Watching Finley’s expression every time we came across something incredible or we find a spot she wants to see has become my new favorite thing. The way her eyes light up, the way she bounces in her seat with excitement, how she kneads her bottom lip between her teeth. I swear I could spend the rest of my life watching her.
We arrived in Southern California this morning. We decided to drive straight to the beach because Finley couldn’t wait to see the Pacific Ocean. And she wasted no time tossing off her shoes and running into the sand the moment we arrived.
“I’ve always heard that the Pacific Ocean was prettier than the Atlantic but I never believed it until now.” She turns her gaze back out to the water, her eyes fluttering open. “But look at this.” She gestures in front of her. “Look how blue this water is. Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?”
“No, I haven’t,” I say, my eyes on her and not the water. Her gaze slides to me and a knowing smile spreads across her lips.
“I love you so much,” she announces, looking so happy I feel like my chest might burst open at the sight.
Finley has changed me in ways I’m still trying to figure out. One look and I had to know her. One smile and I knew I had to make her mine. One kiss and I knew I’d never be able to live without her. She is the heart beating inside my chest. The air that fills my lungs. The blood that pulses through my veins. She is all of me. Everything that I am.
I’ve never cared for another person the way I care about her. I’ve never looked at someone and felt like I was looking at my whole life. But when I look at her that’s what I see. The stars, the moon, the sun, and the ocean. She is my world. Plain and simple.
“I love you too,” I return, taking the hand she stretches out to me.
I don’t know how long we stand like that. Hand in hand, the waves rolling up over our feet, the sun warming our faces. Time is no longer how I measure each moment. Instead I measure them in heartbeats. Because as long as her heart is still beating then I’m still living. And that’s all I want to do with her. Live.
Eventually we make our way back up the beach where we change in the back of the van before grabbing some food from a taco truck set up near a populated part of the beach.
We eat on the edge of the sand and watch the sun dip lower and lower in the sky as the evening wears on. We don’t talk much. There’s something so beautiful about just existing together in the moment.
“Can I ask you something?” Finley breaks the silence between us, and I turn to see her eyes locked on me.
“Anything.”
“Do you believe in Heaven?”
I want to change the topic, talk about anything besides death or what comes after, but something in her eyes tells me she needs this, so I answer as truthfully as I can.
“I think so.” I blow out a slow breath. “I mean, I’ve always believed there was something more. A place where we go in the end.”
“So you don’t think this is all there is?” she asks, pulling her knees to her chest before resting her chin on top of them, her eyes sweeping back out to the water.
“I refuse to believe that this is all there is. Look around you. There has to be a bigger purpose for all of this. There has to be.”
“I used to believe in God and Heaven. I read about it in books and heard about it from friends who went to church every Sunday. Even though I was never religious, I always believed. But then I got sick and I wasn’t sure anymore. I kept thinking, if there is a God then why? Why make me suffer for nineteen years just to rip my life away from me before it really even had a chance to begin? But then I met you.” Her gaze comes back to me, unshed tears in her eyes. “And you made me believe in so much more than just God. You made me believe in miracles.”
“I’m still holding out for one,” I tell her. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to accept that I’m losing her.
“I already found mine.” She reaches for my hand, entwining our fingers together as her head finds my shoulder. “I’d rather live a short life with you than a long one without you. I keep thinking that if I was never sick I wouldn’t have met you. Maybe things really do happen for a reason.”
“Finley,” I croak, so many unspoken words clogging my throat.
“I know you don’t really want to talk about it. And that’s okay. I just want you to know that I’m okay with it. All of it. Because you gave me something to take with me. A lifetime worth of love wrapped into a few short months. I’ll never be able to tell you how much that means to me. You gave me a reason to fight when I needed one the most and you’ll give me peace in death when my time comes.”
“Marry me.” The request is out before my brain has time to process.
