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“The doctor said there’s a chance your hair won’t fall out since you only have six weeks of treatments,” she reminds me.
“That’s what they tell everyone. Just watch, it’ll happen. It’s completely my luck.”
Claire gives me a sympathetic look but chooses not to comment. She knows I’ll just argue with her anyway.
I’m terrified of chemo. Just the mention of it makes me want to vomit. The plan was to insert a chemo wafer into my brain during surgery, but with the complications that arose they were unable to do so. Now I have to endure sitting in a room for an hour every two weeks while they pump it into my chest port.
I guess I should count myself lucky. There are some patients that have to have several weeks of treatment and some that last far longer than mine do for one session.
I try to focus on the positive and not the negative, but sometimes it’s hard not to give in to self-pity. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up and scream‘why me’?
But then I remember how differently this could have turned out. I know how extremely lucky I am to not only have survived a surgery that had less than a thirty percent survival rate, but that they were also able to get ninety percent of the tumor. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods yet.
That’s where the chemotherapy comes into play. To kill off any cancer cells that might still be there, and to ensure the tumor doesn’t continue to grow.
Until the chemo is complete and the doctors are satisfied with my scans, this hospital will be my second home. I’ve already been warned to prepare to be here at least another week or two, and even then I’ll still have to come back multiple times to finish my treatments. While I wish I could go home, I’m grateful to at least be out of the ICU and in a normal room now.
Claire helps me change into a pair of the pajamas she brought for me. While I’m able to get around more easily now, my legs are still pretty weak so I usually need help doing anything that requires me to stand for more than a few seconds.
I guess the plan is to start having me walk the hallway soon, though I still have no idea how I’m going to do it. I guess like everything else I’ve had to endure, one step at a time.
Once I’m changed, Claire helps me back into bed, fluffing the pillows behind me before pulling the blanket back up over my legs.
“There.” She smiles as she eyes the shirt–a soft pink long sleeve top with a unicorn on it. Total Claire. “Much better.”
“I don’t know. Now I look like a ten year old,” I tell her, looking down.
“Oh shut up. Unicorns are magical and right now, little sis, you could use a little magic.” She winks. “I gotta get back to work. My lunch break is only an hour and I’ve already been gone that long. You’ll be okay?”
“I’ll be fine,” I reassure her, leaning forward to read the title of the top book on the table. “Chemo will be much easier to endure with Charlie Hampton to keep me company,” I say, picking upWhere the Tide Breaksand holding it to my chest.
“You and your book boyfriends.” She laughs.
“Better than dealing with a real boyfriend,” I counter.
“That’s not what you said when you were telling me about Abel.”
Just the mention of his name causes my heart to pick up speed. I’ve thought of him so many times over the last couple of days, yet each time I do the memory of him feels more distant. Like he was only part of some wild and crazy dream that will continue to fade into the background until I forget about him all together.
I think that’s what scares me the most. The fear that one day I won’t remember the sound of his laugh or the way he looks when he smiles. That I won’t be able to close my eyes and remember his smell or the way it sounds when he says my name.
I don’t know what the future holds or if I’ll ever see him again. But the memory of him, that’s something I never want to forget.
“Earth to Finley.” I jump, realizing my sister is still talking to me.
“What?”
“Where did you go?” She arches a brow. “Off in Abella la land?” she teases.
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” I counter.
“Way to avoid the subject.” She gives me a knowing look. “We’ll pick this up later.” She leans in and lays a light kiss to the side of my head. “Love you, Fin.”
“Love you too.”
“I’ll be back sometime after dinner,” she tells me, slinging her purse over her shoulder as she heads toward the door.
“When you come back, bring me a candy bar, would ya? I’m dying for some chocolate.”
“Only if the nurse says you’re allowed.” She gives me a toothy grin before disappearing into the hallway.
I laugh, cringing slightly when a sharp pain shoots through my head.
I think that’s the worst thing out of all of this. The headaches. The doctor has assured me that they will pass, that they’re just a byproduct of surgery, but at this rate I feel like they’ll never go away.
Relaxing back into bed, I close my eyes for a brief moment, knowing the nurse will be in to take me to chemo before too long.
I let my mind drift back to Abel. I wonder where he is and what he’s doing. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder if I’ll ever have the courage to find him again when this is all over.
I think about what our lives could be like. How happy we could be together. It’s something that has carried me through some very rough days. And even if nothing ever comes of it, even if I never see him again, I know that he’s one of the reasons I’m alive today. And for now, that’s enough.
