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“Yeah, she is. She’s focused on Andrew’s wedding right now. I swear, if she asks me if I’ve made it to the tailor to get my measurements for my tux one more time I’m going to lose my mind.”
“She just wants to make sure everything is perfect for his big day. You should cut her some slack.”
“I’m trying.” I sigh. “It’s just harder than I thought... Being back here.”
“Give it time. It’s only been three days.”
“I see her everywhere,” I admit in a moment of vulnerability.
“I know the feeling.” She reaches across the table and pats my hand.
“How do you handle it?”
“When I see something that reminds me of her, or I hear a song on the radio, or I pass her favorite restaurant, I try to remember her smile and her laugh. I try to focus on how lucky I was to have her in my life for the time I got her and not be angry that I didn’t get more.”
“But I wanted more. So much fucking more.” I blow out a defeated breath.
“I know you did. And youdeservedmore. But you can’t torture yourself over what you lost. You have to remember what you had. Remember her, the way she wanted to be remembered. And remember what she asked of you.” She falls silent for a long moment. “All she wanted was for you to find happiness again.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I admit.
“You can. And you will. You can’t force it, but you also can’t push it away.”
“You remind me so much of her.” I look into Claire’s eyes and sometimes I swear I see Finley staring back at me. I’m not sure if it brings me comfort or deepens the pain.
“I’m glad.”
“You are?”
“Of course I am. She was my sister.”
“You’re strong, just like she was.”
“I like to think I am, but most days I’m not so sure.” Claire shrugs, relaxing back into her chair. “So, how’s the work prospects coming along?” she asks, and I’m relieved for the change in topic.
“Not too bad. A lot of the bars I used to play at were happy to welcome me back. I’ve got my first gig lined up for next week.”
“Are you nervous to be back on the scene?”
“A little. This will be the first time I’ve played a show in Chicago since...”
“Since before Finley died.”
I nod slowly.
“You’ll be great,” she reassures me. “Tell you what, text me the details and maybe I can make it out to see you play.”
“You’d do that?”
“You’re family. Of course I would. Besides, it’ll do you good to look into the crowd and see a familiar face.”
“You’re probably right. For all the years I’ve played I don’t think I’ve ever felt as uncertain of myself as I do right now.”
“It’s just being back home. You’ll get up on that stage and it won’t matter where you are. Illinois, California; it’s all the same as long as you’re on a stage. No matter how big or how small, you’ve always belonged there. Finley knew it and I know it too.”
“Thank you. I know it probably seems juvenile but sometimes it helps to hear someone say that.”
“We all need a little reassurance from time to time.”
