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“Then why do you feel like you’re leading her on?”
“Because she wants more. I know she does. And I want to give her more. It’s the first time since Finley died that I can actually see myself being with someone else. But I’m afraid I won’t ever get to the point where Icangive her more. I’m afraid I’m broken and nothing she can do will fix me.”
“Abel, you’re not broken. And she doesn’t need to fix you. You lost someone you love very much. Learning where you fit into life after that person is gone is probably one of the hardest things to do. But Abel, you can do it. You just have to let yourself.”
“I feel like I shouldn’t let myself.”
I’ve spent countless hours going over and over this in my head. Why I should. Why I shouldn’t. Why I feel the way I feel. Why I feel guilty for not feeling more guilty than I do. It’s exhausting. And while this whole thing with Peyton just started two days ago, already I feel like I’m fighting a battle I can’t possibly win.
“You can’t think that way. Finley would want you to be happy, to move on. You know that. The only person holding you back is you.”
“But I don’t know how.”
“Well, you can start by taking that off.” She gestures to my left hand where my wedding band sits on my ring finger.
I shake my head, the thought making me almost queasy. “I can’t,” I croak.
“Yes, you can. And you need to. Finley’s gone, Abel. Nothing and no one will bring her back. You have to find a way to let her go. You can start with that ring.”
I twirl the band around my finger but can’t find it in me to remove it.
“Do you like this girl?” Claudia asks, pulling my gaze back to her.
“I do.”
“If you want a future you have to learn to let go of the past.”
“I worry that if I let this go too far I’ll realize I can’t love her the way I love Finley.”
“You’re never going to love anyone the way you do Finley and you shouldn’t want to. What you two shared was special, rare, and can’t ever be replaced. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone just as much. That love will just be different and that’s okay. It doesn’t make it mean any less.”
“I want to let her go and yet I don’t know if I can. I miss her so much. Every single day, every moment that passes, I think of her. Of what our lives would be like if she were still alive. Of all the things we could have done together.”
“But you’re chasing a ghost. Finley isn’t coming back, no matter how much you wish it so. You owe it to yourself to see where this new relationship might go. You said you agreed to something casual, so keep it casual and let it develop naturally. If it’s there, then you’ll know and if it’s not, then you move on.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“There’s nothing simple when it comes to matters of the heart, but some things are easier than others and this is one of them. All you have to do is open yourself up to the possibility. When you’re ready, you’ll know.”
“I’m pretty sure I don’t know much these days.” I snort.
“I’m sure it feels that way sometimes, but Abel, you are stronger than you think you are. And you will get past this. Maybe in six months, maybe in five years, but one day, one day you’re going to wake up and the pain will be gone. Not the memory of what you lost or how it felt, but that gut-wrenching pain. The kind that makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning. That pain will eventually fade, and when it does, you’ll find your place again. That much I can promise you.”
“When did you become so smart?”
“Become? Pretty sure I was just born this way.” She laughs, patting the back of my hand. “I’ve gotta get back to work. Poor Olivia over there looks like she’s about to blow a gasket.” She gestures to the young girl running around the dining room like she’s got mini rockets attached to her feet. “You’ll be okay?”
“I will,” I reassure her.
“If you need to talk more, you know where to find me. I’m always here for you, no matter what.”
“I know, thank you, Aunt Claudia.” I watch her slide out of the booth, her lips hitting the side of my head moments later.
“I love you, Abel. I promise, you’ll get through this.”
“Love you too.” I smile, watching her take off toward the kitchen.
——
