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“So it was true. You were using me?”
“Let me finish.” He takes a drink of whiskey, swirling his finger around the rim of the glass after setting it back on the table. “In the beginning, that’s how I justified it. That spending time with you was a means to an end. But after the night we kissed, things started to change. I became a man obsessed. The lines between the job and my feelings for you started to blur. And once I tasted you, once I felt you beneath me, I knew it would never be enough. With one fucking kiss, you completely obliterated me. No one has ever made me feel that way before.No one. I am not a man who is easily distracted and I never let emotion rule my decision making. But with you, that’s all I did. Our time together wasn’t a lie. The way I feel about you isn’t a lie. You didn’t just upend my world, Mila, you changed it. You changed me.”
“If that’s true, if you care about me so much, then why did you do it? Why did you shoot my father after I asked you not to?”
“Because there are some things I can’t change, little bird. Not even for you. He had to die. At least I showed him some mercy in the end.”
“Mercy?” I let out a humorless laugh. “Is that what you call putting a bullet in someone’s head?”
“That man cut my mother up and sent her home in pieces. Do you know what that does to a child? Do you have any idea the lasting effects that accompany that kind of trauma?” His nostrils flare, his fists balling on the table in front of him. “That isn’t shit you forget. It haunts you for the rest of your life. Esteban deserved so much more than a quick and easy death. I did that for you.”
“No, you did it for yourself!” I bark. “You don’t care about me. You don’t know what it means to care about someone other than yourself. All you care about is power. And that’s why you’re here. You need me to help you seize control of my father’s cartel. Plain and simple.”
“I seized control of the Herrera Cartel a week ago.” He leans back in his chair. “It would have been easier with you, I won’t deny that. But it wasn’t impossible. Once Esteban fell, it was only a matter of time before someone stepped in. Since most of his closest men were killed when they stormed the safe house, there wasn’t an obvious choice. So I went in and made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.”
“And what was that?”
“Join me or die,” he states simply. “Most fell in line. We had a few that resisted that had to be dealt with.”
“And by dealt with, you mean killed.”
“A necessary evil.”
“So you’ve said before.” I shake my head at him. “You really want to believe you’re a good person, don’t you? That you’re better than my father and the others like him. But in truth, you’re not. And I think deep down you know you’re not.”
“I never claimed to be a good man. I only said I wanted to be better. There’s a difference. A good man would have let you go a long time ago. And he certainly wouldn’t be sitting here right now, selfishly asking for something he knows he doesn’t deserve.”
“And what is that exactly, Mateo?” I arch a brow. “What are you asking for?”
“You.”
I won’t deny that I feel myself waver. How could I not? He’s saying everything I want to hear, but somehow, it isn’t enough.
“Well, I guess you should have thought about that before you killed my father. Or before you pulled a gun on me. Or before you let me leave in the middle of the night, in the pouring rain, with no shoes and no idea where I was going. You could have come after methen. You could have said all this to methen, but you didn’t.”
“You made it pretty clear you didn’t want me to come after you.”
“Yet here you are.” I gesture angrily around the bar. It’s easier to let the anger take the driver’s seat. Maybe it’s because I know if I let myself really hear him out for even one moment, I’ll fall right into his arms. Which is the last thing I want to do... and the only thing I want to do at the same time.
“You needed time. And truthfully, so did I.”
“I needed more than just time, Mateo. I needed you.”
“I’m here now. And I’m telling you I want this. I want you.”
I think over his words, my head and heart waging a silent war against each other. In my head, I know what I have to do but in my heart, doing so feels impossible.
“You came here for me. My answer is no.” Tears brim behind my eyes, but I manage to keep them at bay. “Even if I could forgive you. Even if I could move past everything you’ve done. I don’t belong in your world any more than you belong in mine.”
“You belong with me.”
“No, I don’t.” I shake my head softly, the magnitude of what I’m saying not lost on me. I’m saying that I won’t make the same mistakes as my mother. I’m saying that I’m willing to let him go.
“Think carefully, little bird. I am not a man who begs for anything. If I walk away from you now, I won’t come back again.”
“Good, because I’m pretty sure I already told you I never want to see you again. I guess you didn’t quite understand that the first time so let me be more clear. Leave, Mateo. Leave and never come back.”
I watch his mask slip into place. The dark, unreadable mask that I’ve seen him wear so many times before. He’s shutting me out. And truthfully, I’m relieved. Because if I saw even an ounce of hurt on his beautiful face I know I’d never be able to see this through.
Grabbing his glass, he knocks back the remainder of his whiskey before dropping the empty glass onto the table with a loud clang.
Without a word he stands, his gaze slicing through me one last time before he turns and walks away, exiting the bar seconds later.
Every emotion instantly boils to the surface. Among them, and quite possibly the most prominent... Regret.
