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“Is that not okay? It–”
“It’s fine. I’m nervous, too, by the way.”
“Yeah?” I say, laughing a little.
“Definitely,” she says.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do. I just want us to be here tonight; just the two of us.”
This is it. This is the thing we haven’t talked about yet that we need to bring up before anything else happens.
“I want this to be your choice. Do you want to be here with me?” I ask.
“Of course, I do.”
“No, I mean, if I’m not…”
She nods.
“You mean, if you’re not paying me?” she asks.
I swallow. Please don’t let this change anything for her.
“Yes.”
“I didn’t come here for money,” she says. “I want what you want tonight.”
“And you’re sure?”
“Yes,” she says again.
“I might ask that, like, ten more times tonight. Sorry,” I tell her, wincing a little at the awkwardness.
She laughs, takes my hand, and entwines our fingers.
“You don’t have to apologize. I want this as much as you do,” she says.
She seems a little awkward at dinner until the appetizer comes, and we lean over to share it. Then, she settles in. This is the first time we’ve been somewhere in public together where sex isn’t an option. At the parties, sex is everywhere. People can fuck each other in any room, in front of people or behind closed doors. If we tried anything here, we’d be kicked out and, likely, arrested. It makes this dinner matter more to me, knowing that we’re just enjoying a meal together without the possibility of anything else. Well, at least, for a little while. Eventually, I hope we go up to the room I’ve reserved for us, but that can wait. We talk for well over an hour as we eat and drink our wine. She makes me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever met, and I once dated a stand-up comedian in college. When the bill comes, she offers to pay, but it’s easier to just sign it to the room, so I take it instead.
“I got us a room,” I tell her.
“Do you want to go up?” she asks.
“This place is on the lake. Do you want to go for a walk first?” I ask.
“Yes,” she says.
I take her hand once we’re outside. We walk for a bit until she stops to take in the sunset. I stand next to her and watch, too. She lets go of my hand but only to go behind me and pull me back against her in that way that only she can do.
“Why do you feel so good?” I ask.
“Why do you?” she asks back.
I laugh a little, and she kisses my temple sweetly. Then, I tell her.
“Who’s that?” she asks.
“My name. That’s my name,” I say.
