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“Please enlighten me how living in fear until the end of my days would make me happier, since you seem to know so much about me already.”
His voice softened in a way that was much too familiar. “I do know you, Mercy. I know you’ll deny it, but it’s the truth. I probably know you better than anyone else in this world. You told me you never trusted anyone else, and I think that’s true.”
His tone stirred up too many memories, drawing my gaze to the curve of the lips that had kissed me so tenderly, reminding me of how he’d sigh when I’d run my fingers through the thick fall of his hair and down his body.
My shoulders tensed. “And you broke that trust when you abandoned me without any explanation. Do you have any idea how long I waited for you that night? How awful it felt when I realized you’d completelyvanished? I—”
I cut myself off before my voice could break with the emotions swelling inside me. I’d told myself I was over it, but it was easier not to care when the perpetrator of that pain wasn’t sitting right here beside me.
Rowan was silent for a moment. “I didn’t have much of a choice.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “What’s that even supposed to mean? You’d already made your choice. We talked about it a million times, planned every step of how we’d get out of town and make sure Dad didn’t find us. I had all my stuff packed, all the money I could quickly get my hands on—I went out to the park—and all I got from you was a fuckingtext messagefive hours too late, just saying you couldn’t do it. And that was the last I ever heard from you.”
I could still remember clear as day the way he’d hugged me before we parted ways at school that Friday, his kiss branding my mouth before he’d whispered,I’ll see you at midnight. I love you, Mer. You’ll never have to be scared of him again.
We could have made it. I’d had plenty of street smarts, and Rowan had some savings from his summer job and things like that. Maybe we’d have been living in a dumpy apartment somewhere, but it would have been the two of us together, living the way we wanted, having each other’s backs like I’d thought he wanted just as much as I did…
“Where did you even go?” I demanded into Rowan’s silence. “I never saw you at school again. You transferred just so you didn’t have to face me?”
His phone had gone out of service. I hadn’t known his address, since it’d never been safe for me to visit his house anyway. Any time we’d gotten together outside of school, it’d had to be stealthy, always so careful not to draw the notice of Dad or any of his associates.
Every connection I’d had to the boy I’d loved with all my heart for years had disintegrated in the span of a few days.
Rowan’s expression had tensed. “It’s complicated,” he said. “I think we’re better off leaving it at that. I had to go, and the rest doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past now anyway.”
The rest didn’t matter tohim. How convenient when it included any explanation of why he’d turned his back on me so suddenly. I jerked my gaze away, wrapping my arms around my legs. “Fine, then I guess there’s no point in talking at all.”
We drove on in uncomfortable silence until I spotted the lane, looking pretty much the way I remembered it. Rowan turned down it, slowing as he navigated the overhanging branches, and parked when that rough track came to an end.
“Now we walk until we can’t see the car and find a clear spot to dig,” I said brusquely. “You can carry the shovel.”
The breeze wove through the leaves overhead with an eerie rustling. The forest wasn’t as creepy by mid-day as during the night, but it wasn’t exactly cozy either. We tramped around for about fifteen minutes before I settled on a spot I was satisfied with. Rowan hefted the shovel as if to start digging, and I held my hand out for it. “This is my job, remember? I’ll happily let you haul the bags over.”
He headed back to get them without protest, and I dug the shovel into the dirt. It was dry and pliant, not too difficult to shift, although the summer heat was already making me sweat. By the time Rowan returned with the second bag, I’d scooped out a shallow grave.
It needed to be deeper. We didn’t want any random animals scenting the flesh through the plastic and digging the bags up.
I stepped into the hole to get better leverage, and a chill crept over me despite the warmth in the air. Images rose up of the light snapping away overhead, the ominous click of the lock, the damp scents invading my nose…
Rowan’s voice broke through the vision. “Mercy, are you okay?”
I realized I’d stopped with the shovel clenched in my hands, staring at the overturned earth. Shaking myself, I shoved the tool deeper into the dirt. “Perfectly fucking fine.”
By the time I’d dug two holes I judged deep enough, blisters were forming on my hands and my head was spinning with exhaustion, but I’d refused to relinquish the shovel. At least Rowan hadn’t acted as if he didn’t think I could handle a little physical labor. He dumped each bag into a hole and stepped back while I filled them in again. As I patted the earth down, he scattered pine needles and twigs he’d scooped up from elsewhere in the forest in the meantime to hide the evidence of what we’d been doing here.
“Thanks,” I said grudgingly.
He nodded. We didn’t speak again until we’d reached the car. I tossed the shovel into the trunk, turned, and Rowan caught me by the elbow, spinning me to face him.
The feel of his bare skin against mine with him standing so close, after so many reminders of the past, made a familiar heat coil beneath my skin. This boy who was now a man—a stunning man, if I allowed myself to be honest—had been my first… everything. Those hands, that mouth, had explored every part of my body.
I shoved the sensations rising through me away and pulled away from his grasp. I’d just buried a man—and I’d gotten off with a different guy just hours ago. How could I even be thinking anything along those lines?
Maybe therewassomething wrong with me, something sick woven into my nature. But if that was the case, all I knew was I’d been brought up that way, with violence seeping right into my soul.
“Wylder isn’t done testing you yet.” Rowan said. “I just thought you should know.”
I glared at him. “I’m not an idiot. You want to give me any tips on what he might have in store?”
His lips pursed. Of course he wouldn’t betray his captain. His gaze slid away from me and then back again. “I’m not sure. All I know is that it can get even worse than this.”
I shrugged. “Let him bring it on. Maybe eventually you’llbothrealize I don’t break that easily.”
But as I got back into the car, the chill that’d come over me while I’d been digging the grave returned to wind around my heart.
