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I raised my eyebrows. “So generous of you.”
I couldn’t have said exactly what it was about this show that hooked me so much. I could tell that a lot of parts of it were pretty silly, and most of the missions would have been total failures if the spy and her husband had handled them like that in real life, speaking from experience. But maybe that was why right there. It had the same kinds of scenarios and problems I was facing right now—and had faced throughout my life—but through a breezy, fun-loving sort of lens as if none of it could be that horrible.
Wouldn’t it be nice if the challenges I ran into from here on could be laughed off and conquered with a few clever tools?
When the credits for the episode rolled across the screen, I stretched my arms over my head, sinking deeper into the cozy sofa and feeling more relaxed than I had in at least a couple of days. I looked over at Blaze to check whether he’d enjoyed the break too.
He wasn’t looking at the TV but at me, but he did look happy. A soft smile played on his lips, and there was a light in his bright brown eyes that wasn’t quite like any I’d noticed before. It brought a flutter into my chest.
He was a striking man, after all.
“What are you so pleased about?” I asked, aiming for a teasing tone but really wanting to know underneath.
Blaze’s smile widened slightly, the corners of his eyes crinkling to match it. “I like seeing you really relax. I know you haven’t gotten to very often. And I’m glad that I can help you do that.”
The previous flutter turned into a swell of affection. He’d spoken simply but honestly, and I wasn’t used to having people care about my contentment that much. I knew the other men in the crew would fight for me, but Blaze was the one who’d gone out of his way to bring joy into my life.
“I appreciate it,” I said, a husky note creeping into my voice without my meaning it to. I had the urge to reach over and stroke my fingers over the light red stubble that gave his otherwise boyish face a more rugged look that was undeniably appealing.
Before I could decide whether to follow that urge, Blaze’s smile slanted. He glanced at his hands and then at me again. “I don’t want you to take that the wrong way. I really am glad to help you just as a friend. I know when I came on too strong before, it made you really uncomfortable—I definitely wouldn’t push for anything you’re not into.”
My pulse stuttered, remembering the moment when I’d rammed him against the safe house apartment’s kitchen counter in what’d felt like self-defense. The memory made my throat constrict now, but mostly because I knew he hadn’t deserved that level of aggression. “Blaze…”
He held up his hands. “Really, it’s okay. I can see that you’ve got more of that kind of connection with the other guys, and maybe something’s even happened with them already, and that’s okay. It’s great that you’re getting what you need with someone. I’d never assume it has to be me. I just want you to know that I’m here for you too, in whatever ways you need me.”
My throat closed up completely. I couldn’t imagine ever voicing all of my feelings the way he had just laid them bare before me. It was hard to picture any of the other men expressing themselves so plainly either. He didn’t hide like Garrison or avoid feeling like Talon.
Blaze knew himself, and he didn’t hesitate to share who he was. But at the same time, he wasn’t forceful, and he didn’t blame me for anything. He took responsibility for how he felt without pressuring me for even an ounce more than I wanted to offer. As his words sank in, they dissolved any lingering hesitation I might have felt about his interest in me.
Did he really think I wasn’t attracted to him at all? I guessed my reaction in the safe house had driven the idea home too forcefully for him to notice any indications I might have given off since.
I couldn’t stand the thought of him going on thinking that I was somehow repulsed by him when it was so far from the truth.
I grappled with my words for a few seconds before I managed to speak. “You should know—it was never you I had a problem with. Not really. There’s just… I have kind of an instinctive response to people getting flirty or acting sweet in a specific way. I had… a really bad experience with a seduction that started like that.”
Even as I said the words, a realization clicked together in my head as it never had before. I didn’t like that my reactions were so off-kilter to what was normal, but it was useful at the same time. I’d never had to worry that I’d be led astray by a man putting the moves on me in the middle of an assignment.
Which was very convenient for my handlers too, wasn’t it? And it was a pretty big coincidence that the man who’d warped his sweet words and caresses into something horrifying had just happened to approach me the very first time Noelle had given me a few hours of freedom to enjoy myself at that dance club. I’d been a clueless fourteen-year-old, and he’d homed right in on me… And Noelle hadn’t even seemed that surprised when I’d told her afterward what had happened.
Had she set the whole thing up? Maybe even paid that man to treat me that way, to force himself on me—
Inwardly, I cringed away from the memory. But it made a sick kind of sense. I’d just been noticing my physical urges, starting to daydream about the romances and sexual encounters that managed to seep into the sidelines of the movies I was allowed to watch. Scarring me like that had been a surefire way to prevent those sorts of feelings from compromising me in the field.
My anger toward the household and whoever had brought me into it flared with an even sharper edge than before.
The insinuation of my words clearly hadn’t been lost on Blaze. His own eyes flashed with fury. “Someone hurt you.”
“It doesn’t matter now,” I said. “It was almost ten years ago.”
“Ten years is nothing.” He reached for his laptop. “Tell me everything you remember about him. I’ll find him, and I’ll burn his whole fucking life down.”
The vehemence in his voice told me he meant it. He might be the kindest of the men in the crew, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be fierce when he needed to be. That brutal protectiveness only increased the draw I felt toward him.
“You can’t,” I said. “I got free after it was over, and I killed him. He’s gone.” And the woman who might or might not have orchestrated the whole thing was dead too. It was all behind me except in the marks left on my soul. “I don’t even really want to talk about it. I’d rather leave the past in the past.”
Blaze let out a growl that electrified me, as if he wished he could raise the predator from the dead just to murder him all over again. But he took a deep breath and nodded. “Understood. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” I said quickly. “I like that you’d want to defend me. I—” I hesitated and then barreled onward. “I am attracted to you. I’m just not sure…”
