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ELEVEN
Decima
As late asit was when we made it back to the house, the exhilaration of our victory thrummed through the air too thickly for any of us to think about sleeping just yet. Blaze grabbed a plate of leftover pasta from the fridge and dug in while he started sifting through the data on the devices we’d grabbed from the Blood Hunter’s men. Garrison cracked open a beer and joked with Talon.
“They were so utterly unprepared to deal with anyone who isn’t already tied up and beaten into submission,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Some henchmen.”
Even Talon offered a rare smile. “I’m glad we got the chance to show them what real opposition looks like.”
Only Julius remained a solemn presence in the midst of our minor celebration. He stood by the sofa, still and watchful in a way that stopped my spirits from lifting too much.
“Let’s not get too proud of ourselves,” he said. “We’ve made one step forward after a lot of setbacks, and we have no idea how the Blood Hunter is going to respond.”
“Well, I’m responding right now by enjoying the fact that we screwed him over majorly,” Garrison retorted, and took another swig of his beer.
Julius shifted on his feet, and I noticed how his hand had clenched at his side. My stomach twisted. As the man in charge, the risks of any given operation always weighed on him the most, and I’d seen how frustrated he was getting in our quest against the Blood Hunter. But I didn’t think it’d do the other guys any good if he took out that frustration on them.
He’d lost a lot of his control over the situation we’d found ourselves in. Would he lose control over his own actions too?
It seemed better to head off that possibility, just in case. Anyway, my own nerves were still jangling as much from worry over the consequences of tonight’s raid as from excitement. I could probably use a breather too.
I sidled over to him and brushed my fingers over his arm. “Hey, can we talk for a minute?”
The crew’s commander glanced down at me from his substantial height, and I felt a little of the tension come out of his stance just at the thought that I might need his help—that I trusted him to deliver it. “Of course,” he said.
I led him over to the bedrooms, choosing my own since I didn’t want to impinge on his privacy without an invitation. I pushed the door shut behind us, and Julius peered down at me.
“Is something the matter?” he asked. “I know seeing those girls, relating them to what you went through yourself—it must be uncomfortable.”
I let out a huff of breath. “It was, but I’m working through those feelings. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
He raised his eyebrows in question, but even that motion didn’t disguise the sober shadows that darkened his eyes from their usual deep blue to almost black. “What did you want to talk about then, Dess?”
I prodded his chest lightly with my forefinger. “I was wondering if something’s botheringyou.”
Julius’s mouth pulled into a grimace. “What makes you think that?”
I arched my eyebrows right back at him. “I’ve gotten to know you pretty well. You seem to be having trouble appreciating the fact that we finally scored a win against the Blood Hunter tonight. Sure, we’ve got a long way to go before he’s no longer a threat, but don’t you deserve to take a little satisfaction in our victories when we have them?”
Julius sighed. Then he sank down on the end of my bed, swiping his hand over his face. Seeing the hint of vulnerability come into his expression when he was so often solidly impervious brought an ache into my heart.
We’d all been through a lot in the past several weeks, and it appeared to be weighing on Julius more than anyone except maybe me.
I sat down next to him, leaning against his well-built form. “You’re still the same great leader you always were, you know. None of us were prepared for what we’d find here. I sure as hell wasn’t.”
He let out a raw chuckle. “I guess the Blood Hunter has done a bit of a number on my head. I keep thinking that no matter what happened tonight, it could all have been part ofhisplans somehow. We could be right under his thumb, doing exactly what he expects of us, and there’s nothing we can do to get out.”
“I don’t really see how that’s possible,” I said. “I mean, even when he manipulated me into turning on my family, he approached me, he was feeding me information. Blaze had to pull out all the stops to follow the threads to that shipment of girls. It didn’t feel like information that’d been planted for us. How could he have known we’d find those small pieces and put them together or respond the way we did? This is the first time we’ve attacked any of his operations.”
“You’re right.” Julius sighed. “I’ll admit it isn’t a rational thought. I’m just not used to having the ground I’m standing on feel so shaky. I operate based on certainties and carefully weighed probabilities, and I don’t even have the latter now. How am I supposed to see this mission through and make sure all of you get through it alive when I can’t see even two steps ahead?”
Oh. Of course he felt responsible for all of us, given his position. But he really shouldn’t, not like this.
I nudged him with my shoulder. “We’re all in the same position. None of us expects you to be a human shield for the rest of us. I’m sure I can speak for the guys when I say we all know you’re doing the best you can to see us through this situation with what we have.”
“I should havemore,” he said, his voice roughening.
“But you don’t,” I said gently, gazing up at him. This massive, powerful man who cared so deeply underneath the menacing exterior. The hard bulges in his arm pressed against mine, warming the most fundamental parts of me. “Sometimes you have to make a gamble with safety and outcomes when it’s really important, when you have no other choice. I’d bet the most important things are almost always a gamble.”
