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I couldn’t have anybody else seeing me walking sniffling and snotty, all sad.
Ugh.
Thiswas the emotional bitch shit I was talking about.
This wasn’t nearly my norm, and if being done with Onyx meant being able to tuck these feelings away, I was all for it.
“Are you going to let me explain?”
I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Onyx’s voice, and took a few steps back as he stepped out of the shadows in my kitchen.
“What are you doing in my house?” I asked, turning the unopened bottle around in my hands to wield like a bat if he got any closer to me.
“I’m here to make sure you don’t turn what you saw between me and Margeaux into something it isn’t?”
“Why do you care?”
His face dropped into a frown. “Are you really asking me that?”
“You heard it come out of my mouth, didn’t you?”
“Listen,” he started, taking a step toward me, and I didn’t hesitate to follow through on my intentions with the wine bottle.
I swung.
“Whoa!” he exclaimed, narrowly stepping back in time to keep me from going upside his head with it. “Ay,” he said, in a stern voice he no longer had any right to use with me. “What is wrong with you?”
“No, what is wrong withyou?” I asked, out of breath from the force I’d tried to put into that blow. “I risked my life for you! I’ve gone to bat for you against my brother! I’ve been nothing but supportive through all of this shit with you, even after your truth came out. I wasn’t anything butgood to you. And all I asked of you was,hey what you’re doing isn’t healthy, so can you commit to just telling me what’s going on with you, trying not to let this shit swallow you up?That’sallI asked. And you disappeared. And the next time I see you, you’ve run to some other bitch. Which isfine. Butstay over there.”
“It’s not—”
“Fuck you!” I said, swinging the bottle again.
This time he caught me by the arm, easily snatching the bottle from me, and pinning my arms behind my back with both his hands. That movement meant I was right up against him and he looked me right in the face.
“Do not head butt me,” he warned.
“I wasn’t planning to, but it’s a great idea,” I countered, forcing him to let me go and put some distance between us.
“Look,” he said, “I know you’re pissed—”
“I’m notpissed,” I argued. “I’mhurt. After everything, after all these months, I don’t even mean enough to you for you to helpyourself?”
“That’snotfair, Tati,” he countered. “Why are you making it about you? It’smyshit, not yours.”
“I’m making it aboutmebecause I know you won’t do it foryou,” I said. “Do you think we don’t know you’re walking around here feeling out of place? You think we don’t see how you’ve internalized the shit that was done to you? Because we do. Andwe’redoing all we can to help you get past that—that’swhy I’m making it about me. ’Causeyoudon’t think you’re worth saving, but I do.Wedo. And so I thought—hoped—that because of whatever it is you feel about me, my desire to see you whole would somehow supersede this undeserving view you have of yourself. But clearly it doesn’t. So I don’t know what else to do. But what Iwon’tdo, is to let you play in my face,” I snapped. “I’m worried about you, haven’t heard from you, and the next time I see you is inherface?” I stopped myself, shaking my head. “If that’s what you want to do, you’re a grown ass man, Onyx, I can’t stop you. But again,you will not play in my face!”
“Nobody is playing with you,” he shouted, clearly getting frustrated by my reaction to him. “You keep bringing up Margeaux like some trump card, but goddamn, at least she listens.”
“Oh! She listens.” I nodded. “That’s amazing.”
I smiled at him and then I moved to where I kept a backup firearm tucked in a nook under the counter and pulled it out.
“Tati, what the fu—”
“I told your ass to get out of my house, and not come back unless you were ready to work on yourself, to work on this thing between us,” I reminded him. “If you’re in here talking to me about what some other bitch does for you that I don’t, clearly you’re not here for that. So whatare youhere for?”
“This is nuts. Put the gun down,” he said, motioning at the counter.
