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Tristan’s work was fast, but impeccable, buoyed by him already having pictures as a reference for what he would be doing. Because it was a large scale coverup, it was vital for him to know what he was working with ahead of time, to formulate his plan and the design for what Pen wanted.
Beautiful sprays of daffodils to cover every scar and symbolize what we’d all needed—new beginnings.
A chance to not be so beholden to the reality theGardenhad tried to impose on us.
For Pen, it wasn’t so much about the rose tattoo—she wasn’t that bothered by it. Those scars, though, they held the bulk of the trauma holding her back. I knew that getting inked would work for her the way it had worked for Tempest.
It would be transformative.
For me… I was realizing that the ink didn’t matter at all.
There was so muchothertrauma, so much additional baggage, that even though the tattoo was covered, even though my life was completely changed, even though I had everything I thought I wanted… I still didn’t believe I deserved it.
Istilldidn’t believe this could be my life without it all going terribly wrong.
The thought plagued me for the rest of the trip, like some fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy. I was so worried about losing it all that I couldn’t even have a good time—even though I did a superb job of pretending.
Back in Vegas,my mental state didn’t improve, which only made memorefrustrated.
I knew what my therapist would say, because she’d already said it. I knew what Alicia would say, what Pen would say, what Loren would say, hell… I even knew whatCreewould say.
You deserve to be happy, just lean into it.
Except…did I?
“What are you so preoccupied with?” Zay asked, pulling me from my thoughts. We were at his place for a change, instead of always being at mine. Instead of absorbing anything happening in the movie we were watching, I was… overthinking myself into a bad mood.
“Wow –you’reaccusingmeof being preoccupied? That’s funny,” I snapped, pulling myself up from the couch.
I didn’t get far with him right behind me, grabbing my hand to get me to turn around. “Uh… you wanna tell me whatthat’sabout?” he asked, brows furrowed in confusion.
“What’s there to be confused about?” I asked. “You’ve been in your head at every opportunity for damn near a month, but you want to accuse me of being preoccupied. It’s just bold.”
His expression softened. “Dee… I—”
“I asked you if anything was wrong. You said no. But that never felt quite like the truth. And it seems like you’ve been spending all this extra time with Tamra lately…”
“Tamra is my friend – yes, I spend time with her.”
“Is that really all she is?”
His confused expression pulled deeper. “What?!Yes.That’s all it is – all it’severbeen.”
“So you’ve never been intimate with her?” I pressed. “After you broke my heart, and you went on to become a big bad Thorn, and made “friends” with the big bad Rose… you’re telling me you and her…never?”
He pushed out a sigh that said… everything.
“If I said there was nothing, that would be a lie,” he finally spoke, even though I already felt numb. “But… Dee… youknowhow that went – you know what we were. We all just did the job.”
“Fucking her was the job?”
“No.Never that far, but… we’ve played a couple before. More than once. For the job. And internally, it was awkward as fuck, because it wasn’tlike thatwith us.” He stopped speaking to shake his head. “Where is this even coming from?”
“It’s coming fromyou,beingdifferentlately,” I answered. “What else am I supposed to think, when it seems like if you’re not with me, you’re with her, and you’ve been all quiet and contemplative, and telling me nothing’s wrong! I always thought this thing, you coming back to me, was too good to be true. So I wish you’d just… stop dragging it out.”
“Stop dragging… Dee, have youlost your mind?” he asked, with more grit than I was expecting so suddenly. “What do you think is about to happen? I’m gonna… what, leave you to be with Tamra?”
“Are you?”
