Page 97 of Anonymous Acts


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Fifteen

A nice lunch with my friend will help me be a lot less confused…

That shameless use of sex as a bargaining chip was what got me out of my sequestered status at Wick’s house, and atSucre Noirsitting across from Blake. The man himself was sitting a few tables down, occupying a booth alone in the half-empty restaurant. That had been another condition – coming at an odd hour. The fewer people Wick had to keep an eye on, the better. And it was a condition I was totally fine with, as long as it meant being somewhere other than the house, and getting to see my friend.

Even if she was looking at me like I was crazy.

“You know,” I started, taking a sip from the blueberry lemon drop the server had placed in front of me before moving on. “I wanted to have this conversation with you, because out of everyone, I thought you’d be uniquely qualified to understand the awkward position I’m in.”

Blake lifted a carefully arched eyebrow, then sipped from her own cocktail. “Okay. You’re not wrong about that,” she admitted, once she’d placed the glass back on the table. “We’re in the “held on to a cheater” club together, sure. But… our situations are completely different, Monica. You have to understand that?”

“But I don’t,” I responded. “Or… wait. Ido, but…” I closed my eyes, pushing out a little sigh. “Kellen had his faults. But he was still my husband, andImade the decision not to leave.”

“With damn good reason.”

I scoffed. “Was it though? I mean… think about how different my life could be right now, if I hadn’t just pretended Kellen and his mistress didn’t exist for damn near two years. If I’d just taken the time to find a lawyer and gotten this over with? All this time and energy wasted, simply because I… chose to just ignore it, and focus on my business. Which is how my marriage got where it was in the first place.”

“What have I told you about takingallthe responsibility for that?” Blake asked, frowning. “I’m not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass, tell you that your actions were perfect, or pretend that you couldn’t have been better at meeting your husband’s needs. You already know the deal with that. But you know what? Kellen had options, just like you did. He could’ve talked to you. He could have divorced you. He could have talked to a therapist, sought counseling. Buthechose to step outside of your marriage.Hebroke your vows. So it doesn’t make sense to act like it was all you.”

I sighed again. “I know that part, Blake. But… Okay… I know I don’t talk about this a lot, but you remember me telling you about finally getting my mother to talk to me about my father?”

“Of course,” she nodded. “For lack of a better term… your mother was the side chick.”

I laughed a little. “Right. Not supposed to get pregnant, anddefinitelynot supposed to have the child. But she did, and… that was the end for them. But not for me. She gave me his name, and I dug and dug until I got what I needed. An address. And I mean… I went.”

“You wanted to see him, Mon. That’s human nature. He was your father.”

“That isnothow his wife saw it. As soon as she saw me, she knew. Told me I looked just like mywhoremother. And I… how could I even be mad, you know? There I was, the clear evidence that her husband had a weakness.” I pressed my lips closed for a second, just remembering. “He didn’t know about me. I found that out, that day. He’d paid my mother to have an abortion, and instead of doing that, she just decided to stop seeing him.”

“Oh, damn.”

“Pretty much,” I said, with another humorless laugh. “But… the reason I bring this up, is because… after she wrote a check big enough to make me agree to stay away, she said something to me. Something that I’ve carried, without even realizing. I hadn’t even remembered that conversation, but she told me to choose wisely, or I would end up writing a check like that someday. She warned me. And you know… I was a kid, barely eighteen. I used the money for college, and I brushed her words off, because I thought I wassofucking smart. I would prove her wrong. Marry a man who would never put me in that position. Thatwouldnever be me. Until it was. And it was something that I… I couldn’t face it.”

Blake reached across the table to grab my hand. “Igetthat Mon, I swear I do. You stay, because you don’t want to fail. You don’t want your relationship to just be another one that didn’t work out, and you don’t want people talking, and because youlovehis stupid, trifling ass. And because you want to believe that he can be better, and that you can be better, and that you can figure it out. You want to believe that it was just a mistake, or a whole bunch of them, but that you have something together that’sbiggerthan that. You want to believe he can go back to being the man you loved, or if he’s not, that he’s going to be a new and improved version that you can fall in love with again.”

I nodded. “Yes.Allof that.Yes.”

“No.” Blake sat back, shaking her head. “No, Monica. Because it’s not enough foryouto believe it, and want it, andcraveit. He has to be right there with you. Do you know how many stupid bitches I got called, because I didn’t leave Mykel? And you were there, Monica, you know – that motherfuckertook me through it.Embarrassed me all in public, hoes in my house, in my bed. And hell, maybe Iwasa stupid bitch, but I loved his dumb ass, and I wasn’t ready to go anywhere. Not until I hurt him first.”

I smirked a little. “Oh, I remember. The popular thing is “screw his friend, screw his uncle”. Butyou, my friend…”

An evil little grin spread across her face. “Ah, yes. That infamous trip with his biggest rival in NBA. And I didn’t even have to fuck Scott. I just posted pictures of me and him together in Miami, and Mykel cleaned his shit upquick. And I still made his ass chase me for two years before I took him back. But you know why that worked out for me?”

“Why?”

“BecauseMykelwanted it to work. He wanted me. He wantedus. It wasn’t enough for just one of us to be there – webothhad to be on the same page. I don’t mean this in an insensitive way, but… that wasn’t what Kellen wanted. And if someone has decided to check out of a relationship, all thewantingin the world isn’t going to make things magically be okay.”

“I know. Iknow. Trust me, I keep reminding myself that Kellen wasn’t… he wasn’t the same anymore. That layoff ruined him, in more ways than one, and it was just downhill from there. Iknowit’s not all my fault, and Iknowthat by the time of his death, he was… lower than trash, to me. But as much as Ihatedhim… there was…”

“Some part of you that still hurt, when he died? Some part of you that stilllovedhim?” Blake shrugged. “Honestly, I would think there was something wrong with you, if youdidn’tfeel this way. Emotions are… complex. Maybe you hated “unemployed with a pregnant mistress” Kellen, but “handing out your polishes on the way to work” Kellen could still get in your panties. You still loved him because you still remembered who heusedto be. The person he’d become hadn’t quite purged you of those memories yet. But… he hadn’t been that man for alongtime, Monica. Emotionally, physically, he’d moved on, even if a court of law wouldn’t say the same. You’d been single in every way except on paper for damn near two years. His death doesn’t reset that clock. You get to move on. It’stimeto move on.”

I shook my head. “His body isn’t even settled in the ground.”

“And what, pray tell, does that have to do withyou?”

“I’ve been a widow for… hell, not even a month. And I’m already letting someone else touch me.”

Blake frowned. “Bitch, that man has been exploring your guts via webcam for at least a year, why are you acting like it’s brand new?”

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