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40
CERYS
I wakein the night sweating, confused at where I am; and when I catch up to the reality, the nausea grips me. Hotel room. Italy. Every night since Craig took Ella, this happens. Liam always wakes and holds me, stroking my hair in an attempt to soothe me but I can’t stay in bed.
I let Ella down.
The painful hole in my heart gets bigger every day she isn’t in here. Does Ella think I don’t care? What has Craig said? Has he told Ella that I don’t want her? Everything around happens on the edge of reality.
I dreamed about visiting Rome years ago, fascinated by Italy when I saw pictures in encyclopaedias and holiday brochures. When I was young and stupid, or stupider than I am now, I wanted to bring Ella to show her the Italian roots that gave her pretty Mediterranean features. Craig stuck to holidays in Greece, saying Italy is too expensive. His connections to his roots were non-existent, although now they’re suddenly useful.
How do people cope without the money and resources I have through Liam? Within hours, we discovered Craig recently applied for an Italian passport for himself, and is travelling on that. A breadcrumb trail leads to Italy then ends. We discovered his grandparents’ address but he isn’t there. Liam organised private investigators to search the country for any sign of him. If Craig came to Italy, I don’t believe he’ll leave again. He won’t be able to without detection.
Craig didn’t plan this properly; otherwise, he would’ve covered the tracks leading us to Italy. Somebody Craig knows must be helping him because he isn’t using his credit cards or bank accounts. I’m unsure whether the methods Liam’s used to find Craig are entirely legal, but then what Craig did isn’t either. I don’t care as long as I get Ella back.
The only positive thing in the middle of this living hell is that he’s fucked up any custody chances now.
Based in a hotel in the centre of Rome, Liam attempts to persuade me to visit the local sites to stop me sitting in the room all day waiting for news. I won’t leave. After no news about Ella or the investigation for two weeks, Liam’s going stir crazy with my refusal to leave the hotel. His calm nature can only stretch so far, and when I become growly and he gets grumpy, we head out.
We return after less than an hour. Within minutes, a couple with a little girl around Ella’s age wanders by happy, on holiday. The fragile walls I’ve built against the outside world are smashed to the ground. Holding in the hurt means holding in the tears because once I let go, I can’t stop. The pain in Liam’s eyes grows when I break down, so I barricade as much inside as I can. The only way to stay strong is to keep away from anything that reminds me of Ella.
How is that possible? I’ve lived and breathed for her for over five years. She is my world. What angers me is Craig’s action demonstrates how much he doesn’t care for her—he’s neglecting her emotional needs and treating her like a possession.
Liam spent this afternoon on the phone to his lawyers again. I also heard a hushed conversation with somebody, possibly his manager, about how he can’t return to the UK or the States yet. Liam paused his life for us and the depth of the love this man has for me and Ella is insurmountable.
As each day passes, I imagine Craig another step away and further hidden. He’s smarter than I gave him credit for. But what can he do? His life isn’t in Italy; his spoken Italian average at best. Why would he do this? I didn’t once prevent him from seeing Ella, but I hate myself for refusing to let him take Ella overnight. Is this the reason why? Or would I help him take her sooner if I’d agreed?
Managing to stop myself vomiting for the first time in days, I creep out of bed so I don’t wake Liam. In the other end of the suite, I fire up my laptop then scroll through the latest messages on a chat board I’ve joined. This group for people with abducted children has members whose situations are worse than mine.
“Cerys.” Liam places a hand on my shoulder and I startle. “I told you not to go on that site; it upsets you.”
He stands next to me in his black briefs, hair mussed from sleep. His tired face shows the effect this is having on him too. I close the lid.
“This helps,” I say.
“No, it doesn’t. You feed your mind with horror stories.”
The sun pushes through gaps in the hotel suite’s heavy curtains, the sound of birds welcoming another day where I have no idea where my daughter is. I flinch as Liam holds me because every time he does, I think how I should hold Ella. When he kisses me good night, I’m the same because I want to scream ‘why can’t I kiss my daughter good night’?
“Cerys, eat something today.”
I shake my head, tears springing again. I don’t deserve to feel okay—I’m a bad mother letting this happen to her. “I can’t keep anything down.”
“You need energy for when we find her.”
“When will that be, Liam? Two weeks and we’re no closer.” Foolishly, I believed Liam could help me find her straightaway, and deluded myself into thinking Craig was too stupid to hide properly.
“I think there’s a new lead.” He strokes my face. “Don’t get mad with me, but I didn’t say anything last night in case you tried to bundle me into the car at 2 a.m.”
“What? What happened? Have they found Ella?” I stand. I need to dress. Pack. “Is she in Italy?”
Liam leans over me and twists the laptop towards him. “I’m waiting for photos.”
The unread email in the inbox contains picture files, and my heart stops beating in the seconds taken for them to appear on screen. I squint at the images, grainy pictures of a dark-haired girl and a man who has Craig’s build.
“I don’t know! How am I supposed to tell from those?” I say, pushing back the chair and storming away.
Liam follows. “I know, but we can still go? The town where these were taken is a couple of hours drive from here.”
“But what if we go there and this isn’t them? And in the meantime we miss something here?” I rub my arms, the familiar throb aching my head.
“And what if this is them and he’s gone by tomorrow?” asks Liam gently.
But he isn’t gentle Liam. He doesn’t know how I’ve seen his barely contained anger focused on walls, cupboard doors, and shouted phone calls when he thinks I’m asleep at the opposite end of the suite.
I worry what will happen to Craig when we see him.
