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We’re both aware of the perception the public has about us thanks to the picture the media paints. Bryn says I’m fooling myself when I say she isn’t a gold-digger. Perhaps she’s smarter than she makes out, but under it all Honey is a frightened girl escaping a past that left her with nothing, including knowing who she really is. So yeah, big-hearted Liam gets sucked in again, wanting to fix her.
She’s speaking on the phone and crosses to kiss my cheek before continuing her conversation; some shit about bridesmaids’ dresses.
Wedding. My scalp prickles further.
“Really doesn’t help when Jewel crash diets and loses a dress size so close to the wedding,” remarks Honey as she ends the call. “Now her dress has to be remade.”
“She lost weight? Jesus, is there anything left apart from her bones?” I reply.
Honey kisses my nose. “Jewel wants to look her best on the wedding day. As long as she doesn’t outshine me, I’m good.”
Honey is half-serious. I already received the brunt of her fury when Dylan and Sky announced their engagement, as if they deliberately chose to do this purely to overshadow her. Honey’s insecurity controls her life, expensive sessions with psychologists make no difference; her head is screwed.
“How was your day?” I ask, eager for a subject change.
“Yeah, busy, so much to organise.” She launches into one of her dizzying rambles about meetings with the wedding planner. So much for a subject change; this is her sole topic of conversation recently. Add that to my uncertainty, and I’m bored.
Honey doesn’t ask about my day.
“Where did the picture go?” I ask, indicating the fridge.
“The trash.” Honey’s stance changes and she crosses her arms across her ample chest, squashing her tits together in a distracting way. “I wanted to talk to you about that. Who sent it?”
“My sister’s friend’s daughter.”
“I read the back. Why didCerysput a kiss?” Honey’s cutesy voice hardens.
I wince at the tone she uses when she says ‘Cerys’. Oh, fuck, here we go.“I doubt Cerys meant anything, it’s just a greeting. I bought the kid a Christmas present...”
“...andhera gift,” interrupts Honey. “Why?”
“Because she was staying at my parents’ house and I’d be rude not to if I bought for everyone else. Wow, Honey, why the questions?”
Honey’s tone rises and I brace myself in case we’re heading for Honey hysterics. “You put a picture on the fridge from some kid I don’t know and expect me to just ignore it? What if you’re having an affair? Or this is your kid.” She pauses, blue eyes widening. “Omigod!Isthis from your kid?”
“No!”
Honey tips her head and her doesn’t respond. Instead, she studies my face a moment, lips thinning before taking a deep breath. Jesus, maybe she’s finally learning how to control herself.
“Honey, Ella’s mother means nothing; she’s an old school friend.” Saying the words triggers more—I’m lying otherwise my stomach wouldn’t lurch at the denial.
“Fine. Whatever. The paper looked crap on the fridge anyway; kids’ pictures don’t match my vibe.”
At that moment, I realise my dream of a life with a wife and kids isn’t one that’s part of Honey’s future plans. I chose to marry her because I want a family. If one picture is a mark on Honey’s perfect home, there’s no way children would be allowed to enter the flawless world she creates around her.
I bought into a fantasy that will never be reality, as big an illusion as the one Honey has about marrying a rock star.
By the end of the day, I’ve searched every corner of my heart and soul. I can’t marry Honey.
* * *
CERYS
The cardfrom Liam arrived last week. I deliberately didn’t include any contact details with Ella’s picture because her fantasies about the funny man with long red-hair are bad enough without adding in mine. But he found my address.
When Craig left two weeks after Christmas, her four-year-old mind decided Liam would arrive like he did last time her dad went away. She nagged me to go to Lou’s house to see Liam and I had to explain he wouldn’t be there. I showed Ella pictures of Liam on the internet with Honey, and explained that was who he lived with now.
For weeks, Ella waited for a reply to her letter but never received anything. This disappointed me because Liam appeared to understand her. Back in his rock and roll life, maybe Liam is the self-centred rock star who doesn’t have time for a little girl’s feelings and not the guy he was in St Davids.
