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27
MARCH
BRYN
Berlin.Six weeks of touring and we're two dates from heading home for our final gigs in the UK, then another break. Already, I'm debating what the hell to do. Immersed in my Blue Phoenix world over the past weeks has led to a mix of emotions. The new tightness of the band is awesome; a sober Jem and his re-forged relationship with Dylan pushed us into performances to remember.
But the routine is about to end again and that curbs the happiness. The three guys and their girls have big things happening in their lives; there's no album or tour planned for at least a year so we'll go our separate ways again. Ruby Riot is heading back to the studio to record, but with Ruby and Jem's happy announcement, Jem insisted no touring for them until next year.
Leaving me. Drummers aren't known for their solo gigs; I toy with the idea of hooking up with Chainsaw Babies, and Ruby Riot wants me to session for them. I can ground myself in my music world somehow and forget about the emptiness I have without the boys.
A few months ago, my plans involved Hannah and Australia. Still attempting to come to terms with the end of my dreams of a future with my forever girl, I gradually switch off from what could never happen.
We haven't communicated since November and I'm impressed with myself for not attempting to. One stupid part of me refuses to give in and accept this fully—she came back once before, maybe she'll do it again?
Avery. Some days I forget she's no longer a phone call away. Funny things happen on tour; situations Avery would share my amusement at, while everybody else thinks my sense of humour is odd. Like today, during a TV interview, a mix up of words caused by language barriers led to some unintended innuendo. I followed the joke, wound up the interviewer, and wanted to tell Avery and make her laugh.
Unlikely, when the last time I saw Avery I made her cry.
When Avery enters my head more frequently than Hannah so does my realisation how I fucked up the situation with Avery, and intensifies my regret over leading her on like I did. Avery had a part in that though; she wasn't upfront with me either. We both fooled ourselves that our relationship was a temporary thing we could easily walk away from. I denied the growing bond with Avery and the effect she was having on my life.
I attempted to call Avery a few times over the last weeks but she didn't answer my messages. I don't blame her, tangling our lives again wouldn't help.
Avery left that night because I never asked her to stay, and in the quiet moments that pull memories of her into my day, I realise how stupid I was to let Avery go. But I did the right thing. If I can't give Avery my heart, I have no right to take hers.
* * *
Tegan got her own way—mysister tours with us and despite my hardest efforts and veiled threats, something is going on between her and Ruby Riot lead guitarist, Jax. I've warned him what will happen, with specific details, if he fucks around with her heart. Look at me, hypocrite of the year. Maybe, while they're together, Jax won't stray; but once they're apart again, I bet things change.
That will be his funeral. He took the step into her bed and my little sister is worth more than him. A lot more.
Tegan checks in with me around the same time every day, usually to inform me what she's doing. I've backed off watching her every move as the tour has progressed, but we catch up daily.
Tegan has a key card in case she wants to get into my room, so I'm not surprised when she appears in the doorway with two bottles of fancy sparkling water in one hand and a huge bag of crisps between her teeth. Dressed in tight pants and a purple tank top, long-brown hair scraped from her face into a ponytail, I guess she's either on her way to or from the gym.
She heads over and drops the bag onto my lap before handing me a water.
“Today's the day, Bryn.”
I'm instantly on alert. “For what?”
“For you to tell me what is going on in there.” She taps her forefinger on my head.
“Nothing.” I open the bag of crisps.
“Well, if you're too big a guy to talk about this with the others, talk to your baby sister. You always did in the past.”
“Yeah, mostly because you had no clue who or what I was talking about. Now you're older, you do and it's my business.”
Tegan sits and shuffles along the sofa and leans against me. “Fine.”
The following silence is filled with the sound of munching as we share the crisps.
“Cerys said you have girl trouble,” Tegan says matter-of-factly.
“Did she,” I mutter.
“Said you were with a girl in England before you left and now you're not.”
