Page 109 of Purple Hearts

What if I never needed it?

What was before cloud head?

Before, when I taught myself to change my brother’s diapers and asked why the sky was blue and whether ghosts were real. When I called V100 and requested “Spirit in the Sky” for my dad. When I had a mother. When I knew how to want, and how to love. When I knew how to actually do things for people, rather than hate myself for not doing them.

Cassie finally came out, running her hands through her hair. It was down to her shoulders now. We’d known each other long enough to watch the other’s hair grow.

She sat down, the heat and weight of her warming, making me feel less alone.

“I want to be better,” I said, trying not to slur. “I want to help out around here.”

She kept her eyes ahead, and took a deep breath. She put a hand on my back. I tried to sit up straighter. My vision was crossing.

Though she was sitting next to me, I heard her voice from far away. “You have to get your shit together.”

I could. I could be a real friend to Cassie. I could protect her house. I could get rid of Johnno. I could protect my brother and his family. But I couldn’t get up. All I could do was think, remember.

Come on, cloud head. Get up. You can do it. Cloud heads can do things, too. Come on, cloud head.I was sick of myself. I was sick of cloud head, I was sick of regular head, I was sick that I had even invented them. Because that’s all they were. Thoughts.

One, two, three.

Get up.

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