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Cassie
The day of the show, I went with Luke to River Place. While he did his physical therapy, I walked Mittens through the trails, up and down the hills, letting her sniff every leaf and root and footprint she wanted to. After breakfast yesterday, Luke had fallen asleep immediately. I’d gone over to Nora’s to practice, and Toby had asked me to stay at his place. I’d said yes too quickly, worried he’d sense my hesitation or feel my guilt. As conflicted as I felt right then, I was glad to get out of my apartment. I couldn’t work out my feelings for Luke very well while he was around, because the feelings themselves were too big. I needed space away from him to identify them, to wonder when they’d come, what to do next.
But the feelings had followed. They’d followed me to Toby’s, where I lay awake next to him, and today, through the trails, thinking about the day I’d first given Luke Mittens. How his face changed, softened. How I’d catch him speaking to her and everything inside me would become all warm and syrupy. When I’d tried to think about the future, somehow I could think only of him now.
The trails ended. We circled back to the green where Luke waited. My stomach did jumping jacks.
“Who’s got the cutest face?” He bent down and rubbed his nose to Mittens’s. “Who’s the cutest? Hello,” Luke said to me, grinning, scratching behind Mittens’s ears.
I could barely get a word out before grinning back. “Hi.”
We walked to the car together, and drove home with the windows down.
I walked behind him up the steps, slow, and when we got through the door, Luke turned to me. “Cassie, can we talk?”
My heart pounded. “Yeah! Yeah. I’m glad you— Yeah, we should definitely talk.”
I tossed my keys on the front table and headed toward the couch. Before I could sit, he touched my arm. I stood, waiting, my face on fire.
“I want to tell you something. I’ve been wanting to, but I just couldn’t...” He shook his head and took a deep breath, as if steeling himself. “I have to be completely honest with you.”
“Okay,” I said, letting out a nervous laugh. “Should I be scared?”
“No, not scared, I think, but I’ll understand if you’re upset,” he said, his voice dropping, deep and more serious than it had been in a long time. I folded my arms. “I told you I owed money to a friend from my hometown. And that’s true, but it wasn’t the whole truth.”
I nodded, braced, waiting for him to go on. I wasn’t stupid. His explanation had been vague, and it had been vague on purpose. I assumed that was for my benefit. He was my business partner, not my confidant. At least not until a few days ago.
Luke searched for words, and when he couldn’t find them, he looked me straight in the eyes. “He was my dealer.”
I felt my eyes widen. “Dealer of what?” I said.
“OxyContin. Or any other opiate I could get my hands on. Vicodin. But mostly Oxy.”
I’d known in the back of my mind that his mood swings weren’t natural. He’d been struggling to stay sober this whole time, tempted by the very drugs that’d been meant to help him through. I remembered that day he had given me earplugs, how his head had lolled on his shoulder.
“How long?”
His face contorted, trying to keep back tears. I reached out to squeeze his arm, his shoulder.
“Sorry.” He pushed on his eyelids. “This is hard. It was just recreational when I was a teenager. Then two years ago I realized I was addicted. But I couldn’t stop. So I got clean and joined the army, and... here we are.”
“Why didn’t you tell me right away that you were sober?” I searched myself for anger, for a feeling of betrayal that he hadn’t leveled with me. But as I stared at him, at the way his hand gripped his cane, the stiffness of his leg, the way his shoulders hunched as if bracing himself, I couldn’t find it. All I found was a man who’d been through hell.
“I didn’t think you would want to...” He made quote marks with his fingers. “Be with a person who got involved in that kind of stuff.”
“You mean be married to you?” I smiled.
“Yeah.”
“Well.” The jumping-gut feelings returned. “I wish you’d been honest with me...”
He smiled back, reluctant, then bigger. “You’re not upset?”
“I’m not happy, but hell...” I shrugged. “I was no stranger to recreational drug use in college. It could happen to anyone. Especially with opiates. That stuff...” I sighed. “I don’t envy you.” I swallowed. “So what now?”
“I gave him all the money I owed, and now we’re done.” Luke stepped closer.
For some reason, I began to get uneasy. Maybe it was a delayed reaction. Or maybe that he had started to talk about his dealer again. I still didn’t know the whole story about that, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to just yet.
