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Jake said louder, “JJ, one, two—”
JJsnapped his hand down with an angry little grunt, and ran inside, pulling the door shut.
I stepped closer to them. “I’m in the army now. I’ve been clean for almost a year.”
Jake folded his arms. “Then why do I see that fuckhead on our street once a month?”
I tried not to show the rage that rose up. He had to be talking about Johnno. I let up my grip on the flowers, took a deep breath. “He’s crazy. I don’t know why he’s around because I’m not buying from him. I’m not buying from anyone.”
Jake shook his head. “But you’re still in the shit, Luke. You may be off pills, and if that’s the case, congratulations, but wherever you are, that asshole will follow, with my wife and kid around. I can’t have that.”
“Well...,” I started, then trailed off. I thought of the calls, the voice mails, but I wasn’t here to talk about Johnno. That was another problem. “All I can say is I’m clean, and I can’t control where he goes. That part’s not my fault.”
Jake exploded. “It’s never your fault. That’s the problem.”
My insides twisted, but I stood my ground. My hand moved to my pocket. The letter could say it better than I could. “Can I read you something?”
Jake’s face looked pained, like I had punched him. “Jesus, Luke—I don’t know, man.”
“It’ll take one second. You don’t have to say anything or forgive me or—whatever.”
Before he could object again, I pulled it out. The paper was stiff with wrinkles from being folded and unfolded so many times over the past year. The ink had almost faded. My hands shook.
“I’m sorry I stole money from the garage, and from you.” I glanced at Jake. His eyes were on the ground.
After I had flunked out and the government student loans had stopped coming, I had started scraping twenties off the safe in the Morrow Garage office, Johnno idling in the Bronco outside.
“I’m sorry I missed the birth of your son.”
Hailey had gotten pregnant when they were twenty-one, after Jake had completed the mechanics certification at Austin Technical College—the one I was supposed to have done, too.
My voice was shaking now. I held back tears. “I’m sorry I was intoxicated on what should have been one of the happiest days of your life, your wedding.”
I remembered my phone vibrating on the bedside table while a girl named Jen and I had snorted Oxy off the bathroom counter in her studio apartment. I had barely made it for the photos after the ceremony, wearing the only clean shirt I had, my long, stupid hair piss yellow and unwashed. The photographer had asked me to hold JJ, then just a toddler, in the family photo, so Jake and Hailey could wrap their arms around each other.
My dad had stepped in.
No, he’d said. I don’t want him touching my grandson.
When I finished reading, I swallowed, composing myself. I looked Jake in the eye, then Hailey, and back to Jake. “I take full responsibility for all of this. And I don’t want to disappoint you again.”
“It’s a little late for that,” Jake said.
I took another step in their direction, gesturing toward the house. “Can we just sit down and—talk or something? Hang out? I’m only on leave for another week.”
“I’m not ready,” Jake said, immediate.
“What can I do?”
“Nothing!” Jake raised his voice. “I covered for you when you went out and got messed up. I didn’t report you. I make you best man at my fucking wedding, you don’t show. We try to help you, you don’t show. I’m done giving you chances.”
Hailey put her hand on Jake’s back, rubbing it, calming him. In an even voice, she said, “I have to say I agree, Luke.”
“I promise, Johnno is out of my life. I can prove it to you. Dad, too.”
Jake and Hailey looked at each other. “Have you talked to Dad?” he asked.
“Not yet. No.” And I doubted I would. At least Jake had stood and listened. If I went anywhere near Dad, I wouldn’t have time to say hello before I was put in the back of a squad car.
