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That I would not accept, and I shook my head to make sure he knew it.
I looked at him, expecting to see sorrow, regret, and resignation, but found only determination.
It scared me.
He would not make this easy for either of us.
I took a deep breath to try to clear my head of the leaden heaviness, but fatigue rendered my voice dull and monotone.
“You broke me. You broke my faith in what I believed we were. The only thing you didn’t break was my love for you. But my love for you annihilated my chance at happiness and having a family of my own.” I paused. “I don’t think we can get past the pain of our history. I don’t trust you, Vander. I don’t trust you with me, and I definitely don’t trust you with Jace.”
He nodded and squeezed my thigh. “That’s fair, Ruby.”
His arm still banded across my chest like a seatbelt, and I still clung to him like a life raft. “Do you think you bear any responsibility for what happened between us? If you had told me you were sick, if you had messaged me after the conference, things would have been different.”
“I know that, too.”
He continued softly. “You’ve lost faith in us. I understand that. I lost faith, too. That’s what happened twenty years ago. I could blame you for that and refuse to open myself up again. At the conference, I thought the exact same thing, but one look at the pain on your face told me I’d fucked up and misread the situation.”
I nodded. I owned part of the blame, but it didn’t change the cesspool of pain between us.
He continued. “Isn’t it possible you are misreading this situation and you’re going to regret it if you don’t allow us to have our shot?”
I pulled in a shuddering breath. He dangled the proverbial carrot within my reach, the one I’d longed to taste my entire adult life. I feared its aftereffects more than I desired it.
“There’s one significant difference between us, moro mou.” The endearment slipped out involuntarily. “You went on with your life. I didn’t.”
He snorted and his dark eyes flashed. “Really, Ruby?”
I’d poked the bear. This Vander, I knew: a little short-tempered, sarcastic at times, unwilling to accept anything he considered bullshit. Well, I had a temper, too.
“How many?” I demanded. “How many women, Vander?”
“Too fucking many, Ruby,” he bit out harshly.
I flinched, but he continued on undaunted.
“All nameless, faceless, and forgotten because they weren’t fucking you. I’ve been lonely my entire adult life, except for Georgie, because I didn’t have you.”
A light shudder traveled through me.
He sighed and bent his neck to press his temple to the top of my head. “I haven’t touched a woman in more than six years because the substitutes could no longer take the edge off my loneliness. I bought a house for us in Bayview Village that I haven’t done anything to because I’m waiting for you to tell me how you want it. I don’t have friends here. I work, I work out, I go home. Alone. When George is here, I live. Other than that, I focus on my work, and I exist. That’s how well I’ve moved on.”
My heart ached. “I don’t want that for you,” I admitted.
He nuzzled my hair. “I didn’t want it for you, either.”
It dawned on me, then, what he’d sought to spare me by walking away the second time. I still disagreed with his decision, but I understood it better. My heart ached for his loneliness. At least I shared my life with Jace, Yiayia, Amber, Alex, Angus, and Minty.
I unlatched my seat belt and twisted around to face him. Putting my back to the window caused another spike of anxiety, but I needed to hug him. Winding my arms around his neck, I tucked my head under his chin and hugged him close. His hands came around my back and cradled me closer. A tremor rippled through his long body and he blew out a long, slow, breath. His heart pounded beneath my cheek. He lay his cheek atop my head, and I felt safe, cocooned away from the outside.
I didn’t want him to hurt.
After awhile, I gently disengaged and moved away from him. His hands followed me lightly, until I was out of his reach. I opened the car door and stepped out, scanning my environment.
The nights were getting cooler. I wrapped my arms around my waist.
“Ruby?” He questioned.
