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Early Monday evening, the boys showed up at my door as usual, and my stomach heaved. I called downstairs to make sure Ruby was still there and sent them back down. Explained that I felt under the weather.
George looked concerned.
Falling asleep beside him in my bed. Waking with his blanket tucked around me. Did I touch him in my sleep?
“I’m okay, Georgie. I just need sleep and maybe a couple of Tylenol.”
Ten minutes later, Ruby knocked on the door. I sent her away as well. I couldn’t look at her. Not when I didn’t know what happened with George while I slept.
Then Amber called.
I sighed. “I’m so tired, Amber. I just need a few days to rest.”
Sitting down with a cup of peppermint tea, I reviewed the events of the night before. If I could just get through them once without interruption, without losing my train of thought, I could put it behind me.
Baby wash.
Wet wipes.
Diaper cream.
Oven mitts.
Blanket nest.
Don’t hurt him.
My review ended, as it had each and every time since I’d gotten home, with the incongruity of my chaos in the midst of Hope’s easy cheer, Lucky’s charm, and Brayleigh’s uninhibited joy.
What could I offer? A part-time relationship? One where he had to choose between me and his child on the daily?
And what would I get in return? A one-way ticket to my own personal hell?
This is why we have rules.
My eyes overflowed. In my current state, I couldn’t even have my boys, never mind that precious baby.
I recalled the list Lucky and I had made of things I wanted to do with Brayleigh.
Did you molest that baby?
Baby wash.
Wet wipes.
Diaper cream.
Oven mitts.
Blanket nest.
The thought of going back to Lucky’s in only a few days froze the blood in my veins.
I sat down at the piano and played, pounding the keys, the fullness of the music filling my head and momentarily squeezing out the bitter obsessions. With the stores closed below and no neighbors, there was nobody to complain about the noise. There was nobody, period.
Tired now, my emotions ringing in my ears, I dialed Junie’s number and left a message begging off work for the week. Then I sat down at the kitchen table and opened my laptop.
Chapter Forty-Six – Words in My Head
