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Minty
Early the next morning, I headed to Ezinne. As usual, as if she had a sixth sense, she met me in the doorway.
“Humph,” she grunted. “Have you not hit rock bottom yet or did you just neglect to call me when you got there?”
I laughed. Ezinne and I did not have a professional patient-therapist or boss-employee relationship We’d long since crossed all those lines. She treated me now as a friend would advise another friend. Much the same way Amber would have had I ever asked. I never asked. With Ezinne, I never stopped.
“I’m crawling my way back out,” I admitted, and her face lit up. “Why are you so happy?”
“Tired of waiting, my beautiful friend, for you to get the life you deserve.”
A few hours later, having mapped out a plan, the obsessions were already losing their grip on me. Honestly, nothing about the process was new. Other than during my childhood years, it had always been this way for me. As soon as I accepted that the thought was OCD, I could dismiss the errant thoughts relatively easily. Dismiss, not eradicate, but I could deal with the white noise.
This case was different only because of the metric ton of shame attached to it. And that shame felt an awful lot like guilt, leading me to question if there was any truth to the thoughts.
Keeping my disorder a secret worked for me on a number of levels. A private person at heart, I also valued my independence. Neither of those traits compelled me to share. Combined with the fact that early on I needed to break myself of the compulsion to constantly ask for reassurance, a type of checking behavior, it was simply easier not to tell.
Now, I could admit shame also played a part in my silence. Especially with this particularly distressing subtype. It was easier not to tell, but infinitely more harmful. Like mold, shame thrives in the dark.
I needed to deal with my shame, and I got the opportunity to do just that a little sooner than I would have preferred.
Not long after I left Ezinne, Junie called to inform me she and ‘the girls’ were coming over. I’m not sure who all ‘the girls’ entailed, but she gave me no time to ask questions.
“No questions! And from what I heard, you need to clean up your front room. Get your shit together, you sexy bitch. We’ll be there at seven and we’re bringing snacks.”
I looked around my home and laughed. Willa and Junie would love to see it like this.
By the time seven rolled around, everything, save my bedroom, was shipshape.
“Huh,” Junie grunted. “I expected to see something.” She seemed almost disappointed, and Willa laughed.
I laughed. “Let me assure you, it was bad.” She looked skeptical. “You can go take a look at my bedroom if you don’t believe me.”
My laughter followed them as they took off down the hallway and increased when hearing Junie’s whoop of delight.
“Finally!” she yelled. “A discernible fault!”
I turned to lock the door, but it flew open instead. “Hey, beautiful,” Ruby greeted me, Amber right behind her.
“Hello, lovelies,” I said softly. These two. My God, what would I do without them?
They dropped their platters on the table and encompassed me in a group hug.
“I love you so much,” Ruby choked.
“I love you, too,” I whispered. “Sister-friend.”
Amber laughed. “Maybe we should have planned to get high tonight. Or at least get Ruby high. That was fun.”
“Fun for you, maybe,” Ruby grumbled.
A knock sounded at the door, and Amber turned to let Mara and Bex inside. Mara’s arms were overladen with containers and Bex carried two large bags. She held them up in explanation. “We’re making boards!”
I swung my head around eyeing Junie. “Is there anyone else?”
Her face paled. “Frig. Did I miss someone?”
“No!” I laughed. Although Ezinne would have been tickled to see this.
