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Josie: He's looking for you. He wants to see you. Did you want me to tell him where you are?
I stared at my phone, my hand shaking. Until today, I had done my best to put him to the back of my mind because it was the only way I could move on from what had happened between us. But having heard his name twice today, after it had been so long since I had even thought about him, was making me crazy.
Josie: Are you there, Cass?
Me: Just tell him I moved. That's it. You haven't heard from me since I left.
That killed me to type, but I was still so angry and hurt after how he left. Plus, I was just starting to get on with my life here—with the store and with Ray. I guess you could say I was as happy as I could be with my new life. But if truth be told, I still had feelings for him. Feelings that would never go away. To be honest, I was afraid if I saw him, it would open everything back up, and once again, my heart would belong to him.
Josie: He really misses you.
Me: Please, Josie, just cover for me.
Josie: Okay, Cass. If you say so. I'll do my best.
Me: Thanks Josie.
I threw my phone down on the coffee table and placed my head in my hands. Missy jumped up and made herself comfortable in my lap. Petting her head, I tried to turn my attention back to the movie on the TV but found it increasingly difficult with thoughts of Brody running through my head. Sure, over the last couple of years I had gotten a few random texts from him, but I never had the heart to answer—some, I never even had the heart to read.
I got up from the couch, laying Missy off to the side and walked down to my bedroom, grabbing my memory box off the dresser, and went back to my spot on the couch. I very rarely went into the box, the memories in there too much for me to handle most days. Taking a deep breath, I opened the box. There it sat, staring up at me, my name in Brody's handwriting on the back of a wrinkled envelope. I picked up the envelope, running my thumb over it, instantly being transported back to that dreadful day.
* * *
Three years ago
I sat downand criedmy heart out. I wanted to be with him, I was in love with him, but I was so afraid to get involved again. I wished he would have let me explain myself. I spent the night worrying to the point I was sick. I had sent Brody a couple of texts and even tried to call him, but every attempt ended the same—unanswered. At four, I looked out my bedroom window over at his house. His truck was gone, and the house sat in darkness. I was afraid something had happened, and he got called out to an emergency, so I sent him another text and laid back down in bed.
By ten, I was tired of being ignored, so I threw my boots on and marched across the street. We were supposed to leave for the cottage today. There was no way he could ignore me if I was standing at his front door.
I marched up the front steps and pounded hard on the door. There was no answer. I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and inserted the spare key he had given me into the lock. The door squeaked open, the house quiet.
“Brody?” I called, stepping inside.
Everything was in place. I looked out the side window and saw his truck still wasn't in the driveway. I frowned to myself but made my way into the kitchen. The pile of clean dishes that always sat in the drain pan was gone, everything had been put away.
I grabbed a piece of paper off the notepad that hung on the fridge and was just about to scribble out a note for him when I saw an envelope with my name scribbled in his handwriting.
I frowned, picking up the envelope. I opened it and removed the piece of paper inside, a sinking feeling settling over me.
My Dearest Cass,
You're probably wondering by now where I am. I'm sorry to do this. I'm letting myself down, I'm letting Jackson down, but most importantly, I'm letting you down. It's not okay, I know. I hope you'll understand, Cass and find a way to forgive me because I will never be able to forgive myself. My feelings for you have grown, in case you hadn't noticed, and I don't know what to do about it. It's not supposed to be this way, Cass. I'm going to try to sort out these feelings and get over you so I can come back and do what Jackson's asked of me.
Love, Brody.
I could barely containthe shake running through my body, the shake and the cold of extreme stress. I needed him, more than he knew, and if he had of just talked to me or been a little more receptive last night, he might have found out I loved him too.
I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed my mom. I needed someone. As soon as I knew she was on her way, I folded the letter and held it tightly in my hand. The shaking was getting so bad, I barely trusted my legs to carry me back home, but they did, all the way back home and upstairs to bed where I spent the next few months.
* * *
To be honest,I reallycouldn't remember how long I had been there because I lost count. That letter had almost ended me.
With tears pouring down my cheeks, I read and reread that old crinkled letter. Crinkled because I had read it every day and night for almost a year after he had gone. But tonight, I let all of those feeling from that day come back to me. It didn't matter how long he had been gone, the feelings were still there, and they were still very raw. I picked up my phone and opened a text window to Josie. The blinking cursor flashing, I started to type and erased, again staring at that blinking cursor.
Every fiber of my being wanted to tell her to tell him where I was, to tell him to come see me, to come home and repair my heart, but I was afraid to type those words. They just wouldn't come despite how my heart felt. I wiped the tears from my eyes, put the phone back down, gently fold the crinkled old letter, placed it back in its envelope, put the envelope back into my memory box, closed the lid, and placed the little lock back on the front. Locking back up what was left of that part of my heart, or so I hoped. I poured myself another glass of wine, took a deep cleansing breath, and curled up under the warm blankets, pulling Missy close and turned what little attention I had left back to the movie.
Chapter Five
