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Winter
With Gabriel goneto help the guys set up shop for the club’s new chapter, that leaves me in charge of settling in at the house. It’s a daunting task, and I feel a little overwhelmed. With what little money we have left, I need to prioritize what furniture we still need and what car we can afford to buy so I have a means of getting around when Gabe is gone—and when I’m too pregnant to fit on his bike any longer—and what we can do without for the time being.
Debbie and Jeremiah will be driving up with their couch in a couple of days, which they’re giving us as soon as their new one arrives. And another of the Devil’s Sons members is giving us their old dining room table because a few of the chairs have broken, and they wanted to replace it. That will come up at the same time. But any bedroom furniture, we’ll need to buy. Fortunately, with everyone pooling resources, there were enough extra kitchen supplies that we’re decently capable of cooking up a meal. Our fancy new crock pot from Debbie and Jeremiah as an engagement gift will make up for any missing pots or pans.
Sighing, I get to work unloading our boxes of kitchen supplies. It’s as good a place to start as any, and having one room in order will help me feel a little less stressed. As I unpack boxes, more and more tasks pop into my head of things I’ll need to do. So much so that I decide to start a list.
I need to meet the doctor our old one recommended and make sure she’s the right fit, think about setting up a nursery, I should probably find the library and pick up a few books on parenting because God only knows that neither Gabriel nor I have a good grasp on what that might look like. He might have some good memories of his parents from his childhood, and my parents might have known how to provide for me, but that's not saying much between the two of us. We definitely turned out pretty fucked up, and I want to do better for our child.
When I need a break, I decide to walk our house once more. I did it when we first got here last night, but for some reason, I need to see it all again. I can hardly believe it’sours. We bought it and will be paying a mortgage for it like any other typical American couple. It’s fun to think of the ways I might turn our new house into a home. Someday, I can pick out a coffee table to go along with our couch, a side lamp I could use when I’m reading.
I already love our little front porch with the white railing and the swing. I might even plant some flowers in the tiny garden in the summer. That sounds so simple and domestic that I actually giggle to myself. Down the hall is our guest bedroom, where Starla will probably be sleeping on our air mattress when she comes to visit until we can afford a second bedroom set. Or at least another bed.
I’m most excited to decorate the nursery. I’m thinking pink since we’ll be having a baby girl. Plus, it’s always been my favorite color. I’ve never thought about cribs before, but I would love to get one of those mobiles, maybe with the planets of the solar system or something fantastical like unicorns and dragons. I don’t know yet.
Resting my head against the doorjamb of our soon-to-be nursery, I think about my relationship with Gabe. How different it is now than when it started. It’s grown considerably in the time I’ve known him, which is right around five months now. It’s strange to think how far we’ve come in that amount of time. When I first met him, I’d thought he was a stalker. Well, he kind of was, if I’m being perfectly honest. But that’s the only way he managed to save my life.
Since then, learning to trust him without my memories and then having to relearn that trust once I regained them, has been quite an uphill battle. I know it hasn't been easy, but having my life turned upside down wasn’t easy either. And yet now, after finally facing Athena and learning to set our rivalry aside, I feel as though my life finally makes sense. Being with Gabe and having his child makes sense to me in a way my old life never did.
Heading to our bedroom, I start to unpack the remainder of our modest number of possessions. The clothes will have to wait until we have a dresser, which I think we can find for pretty cheap at the secondhand store in downtown Whitfield. When Gabe and I initially came up to look at Whitfield as a town, it seemed they had a lot of odds and ends, all at a good price. In the end, our dresser might not match any new side tables we might find, but that’s fine. It’s a start. And at least the mattress will get delivered today.
If pregnancy has made me appreciate one thing, it’s the ability to get a good night’s sleep. And the air mattress does not do me any favors on that front. Sighing as I look around the room at my unpacking job, I rest my hands on my hips. Not much more I can do to make this house a home until we have furniture.
It amazes me how different my life is now. Everything is different now. It’s such a contrast to the life I grew up living, where I never had to do things for myself. We had servants to unpack anything I might have bought, maids to clean, chefs to cook. I could buy anything without a second thought, and my father never cared. Whatever I wanted, I could get. Now, it feels as though I have to make a practice of thinking about whether it’s something we really desperatelyneed. I have to assess whether I’m capable of doing it for myself or if Gabe can help, because we can’t afford to pay anyone to do it for us. We have to rely on friends and family to get us through, to bridge those gaps so we can live our lives.
It feels as though we’re just one bad event from everything falling apart, unraveling at our feet, and leaving us out on the streets. And yet, I’m so much happier in this life than I ever was in my old one. I didn’t grow up feeling close to my family, feeling loved by them, but this baby will grow up with all the love it could hope for.
Laying my hand over the tiny bump on my belly, I sink down onto the air mattress and consider that. Gabriel and I might be messed up. Our concept of relationships might not altogether be conventional. We might come from completely different cultures and opposite backgrounds entirely, but this baby is going to get the best of both worlds because we both have so much love for her already, and she hasn’t even been born yet.
I lie back on the air mattress, getting comfortable as I think about my next step. I need to be around for a few more hours until the mattress company arrives. Thankfully, in a small town like this, they’re willing to do things like free delivery for buying a bed set. I’m sure Gabe could have gotten the boys to help him haul one home and into our bedroom if need be, but they already have enough on their plates.
Taking out my phone, I pull up the app for our bank account that Gabriel has already given me access to, though we aren’t married yet. I log in, and a hiss of air rushes between my teeth as I look at the state of our money. After buying the house and all that goes with it, we’re really down to bare bones with less than five thousand dollars between the two of us to cover the remaining furniture we need to buy, a car, and any other expenses I’m sure will arise.
Tonight, I need to talk to Gabe about me getting a job. I know that might not be conventional for a biker’s old lady, but we could really use the extra income right now. Plus, I don’t know how quickly this sister branch of the Devil’s Sons will really be able to bring in income. If we need to cover our mortgage for the next month or two from our bank account on top of everything else we need and utilities—fuck, I forgot about those—we won’t have enough money left to eat. Buying a car might have to wait.
Logging out of our bank account, I drop my phone onto the bed and close my eyes. I don’t know that I should be spending any more money until I talk to Gabe. Releasing a sigh, I try to push thoughts of our impoverished state aside and slowly force myself to relax.
A wave of drowsiness washes over me as the midday sun pours in from the window, warming my skin. It feels so peaceful in this house, and before I know it, I’m sinking into unconsciousness. Flashes of disjointed images cross before my mind’s eye as I sleep. Our new house as we pull up in the night, ready to unpack our lives into a new home. Starla smiling at me as she leans against the clubhouse bar. Her red scar running down her cheek to her chin as she turns to look at something.
Then I’m in the nursery, looking in on the little baby sleeping in her crib. Only she’s not a baby. She’s one of those sad shelter puppies with drooping eyes and ribs standing out through her skin. It breaks my heart to hear her whine, and I pull the puppy into my arms, cradling it as I try to nurse her with a baby bottle.
A knock on the door makes me look over my shoulder and carrying the baby-turned-puppy, I go to answer it. But when I do, it’s Dean’s sneering face that greets me.
“Looks like you couldn’t take care of a baby without me,” he taunts, and my father’s standing behind him, laughing at my inadequacy.
I hold my baby closer, tucking her snugly against my chest, but she feels so brittle and delicate with all her little protruding bones. Tears stinging my eyes, I turn to flee inside, but Gabriel’s there, standing right behind me.
“Please, Gabriel,” I sob. “I tried.”
His eyes soften, and he reaches toward me as if to cup my cheek. But at the last moment, he twists his wrist, curling his knuckles in to rap smartly on my forehead, knocking.
Jolting awake with a gasp, I sit up and realize the knocking wasn’t part of my dream. Someone’s at the door. I spring up off the air mattress, trying my best to push aside the disturbing feeling of inadequacy that remains after such a strange dream.
Yanking open the front door, I catch the mattress delivery person by surprise as he holds his hand up, knuckles curled to knock once more. Clearing his throat uncomfortably, he lets his hand drop as he averts his gaze.
“Sorry to disturb you, ma’am. I tried the bell, but it didn’t seem to work.”
“No problem. I’m sorry. I knew you were coming. I accidentally fell asleep.”
