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“Go on,” I said softly.
“Ellie, Carl’s mother, your grandmother, was ill at that time, lung cancer. Shortly after the babies were born, she died. I was very depressed and so very unhappy. The marriage had been a mistake; we had nothing in common and I was so very homesick. I tried, Nicola, I really did. Then I found out that your father was having an affair, and I decided to leave, but he wouldn’t let me take my babies! He said he loved you both too much. He was a good father; I have to admit that. He doted on you both, adored you, actually I was even jealous… yes, of my own daughters!”
“Daughters, plural?” I queried dully,for I knew, deep in my soul I had always known.
“Yes, Nicola, you and your twin… your sister, Claire.”
She carried on talking trying to justify what she and my father had done. We looked alike, and so they each took one of us and felt it was a good compromise. I sat heavy with silent horror.
I had seen the 1961 filmThe Parent Trap.It had starred the actress Hayley Mills—she had played both of the twins in the film. Separated as babies, each parent had taken a twin and raised her, without either of the girls realizing that they had a twin sister. In a chance encounter at a summer camp, the twins realize they are sisters and work out what their parents have done. Each twin swap places with the other, so that they could each meet the other parent. The film ends happily with the parents reunited and the family together once more.
My mother knew that I had been fascinated by that film. I had talked about it for some time afterwards; I even asked her if I had a twin living somewhere since the story in the film had got under my skin in such a peculiar way. She had laughed, teasing me about liking such a childish film. Over the years, I have thought about that film many times, always with a deep and unexplained longing.
As I sat in the overheated room, my skin prickled and burned. Inside me, anger steamed and rose up like molten lava, filling me, bubbling and boiling, desperate for release. With a rush of uncontrolled rage, I leapt forward and slapped her silly, selfish, face.
“How could you!” I said, hissing with rage, pushing my face into hers, this woman, my mother, whom I had trusted had betrayed me. She had betrayed my twin, and she had denied me the right of a father, a sister, a twin sister. Oh God, atwin sister! All fluent command of the English language deserted me; I was speechless with disbelief and absolute fury.
A sudden terrible thought jumped into my mind. “The face on the news, tell me…” Her face had already been pale but now was white. She shook her head, and a tear rolled down her face.
But of course I knew.
Hadn’t I felt it all day?
I was the Sycamore seed that would no longer spin joyously in the autumn breeze, for Ihad lost my other half, and I fell sickeningly to the ground. Suddenly, I felt so alone. My mouth was dry, and I felt desperate.The vitriol poured out of me in a vicious torrent bursting forth towards my mother.
“I asked you if I had a twin!” I think I was screaming at her, so wild and livid was I—so hurt. “You lied about my father… lied about my twin! You… utterly… deceitful… bitch! When I think—”
“Stop right there! I’d say that will just about do. Not-one-more-word-comes out of your mouth, young lady—not if you know what’s good for you!”
I spun around in shocked surprise at the sound of the man’s voice booming into the room. A large man, with a shock of salt-and-pepper hair, was standing on the threshold of the drawing room. My impression was of a man with a heavy jaw line and deep craggy face; his eyes were the deepest blue.
“If you want to blame anyone, Nicola, then blame me. Blame…” he paused and stared intently at me, “your father.”
I stiffened, rigid with shock, unable to speak. He moved swiftly for a large man and caught me as I swayed. The blessed darkness washed over me, ending for a while at least, the horror of it all.
