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I was.
But I couldn’t deny a part of me always wondered what it would be like to be Peyton, or Ashleigh, or even my sister. To not have to worry about being all up in my head with my troublesome thoughts.
So while I didn’t want to make a list—and I didn’t—maybe I would try to push myself a little every now and again to step outside my safe zone.
Maybe I would push myself to finally live.
* * *
By the timeFriday rolled around, I wasn’t feeling so confident in my decision to go to the party. It was all anyone—anyone being Peyton, Ashleigh, and my sister—was talking about. But the more excited they got, the more nervous I felt.
It’s just a party, I whispered to myself as I fished through my closet trying to find something to wear. My fingers ran through my hair, curling around the roots and tugging gently. A sense of calm washed over me, but I forced my hand away, inhaling a deep breath instead. I loved my long, wavy, brown hair. It was my shield, my armor, hanging over my shoulders like a chocolate waterfall.
“Sweetheart, can I come in?”
“Sure, Mom,” I said, and she slipped into my room.
“Still not dressed?”
“I don’t know what to wear.”
“Well, I think anything will be an improvement on that.” She glanced at the fluffy robe wrapped around my body and chuckled. “Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine, baby. You don’t want to give your dad a heart attack.”
“Yeah.” He’d been in a mood ever since Poppy announced we were going to the party tonight. Of course, he’d tried to say no, but Mom quickly intervened and reminded him we weren’t kids anymore.
“I’m proud of you, you know? This is a big step, Lily.” Mom gave me a reassuring smile and left me to get dressed.
I pulled on a cropped, black t-shirt emblazoned with metallic stars and some cropped jeans. Pulling my hair into a loose ponytail over one shoulder, I braided the ends, and added a touch of lip gloss.
“Here goes nothing,” I said, grabbing my purse and making my way downstairs.
Peyton and Poppy were already waiting. “You look hot, Lil.” My best friend appraised me, giving me a thumbs up.
“Hot? No one is supposed to look hot,” Dad grumbled.
“Jase,” Mom warned. “Don’t start. It’s senior year. You’ve got to learn to loosen the strings.”
“Remember me at their age?” He gave her a pointed look, and Mom flushed pink. “Exactly,” Dad grumbled.
“It’ll be fine,” she said, brushing him off. “They’re all sensible and know the rules.”
“Yes,” Dad nodded, “let’s go over the rules.”
“Oh my God, no, Dad.”
“Yes, Pops. Rule one,” he held up a finger, “stay together. Rule two: do not accept any drinks from strangers. In fact, no drinks at all, unless it’s soda. Rule three: no kissing, no groping, and definitely no se—”
“Dad!”
Mom fought a smile while the three of us sat there, mortified. “I think we’ve got it covered, Mr. Ford.”
“Peyton.” He blew out an exasperated breath. “You’ve been living in my house and eating my food since the beginning of the summer, I think you can call me Jason.”
“Will do, Mr. Ford.”
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, go before I lock the door and throw away the key.”
Poppy grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the door. Ashleigh was giving us a ride, but she planned to leave her car at the Filmer’s so she could have a drink or two. Not that I planned on telling Dad that.
