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“Not a fan of the holidays?” I asked.
“Are you?”
“Touché. What did Ashleigh get you?”
“You knew… it was from her?”
“Lucky guess.” I shrugged. “What was it?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Something told me it did, but I didn’t push. “She likes you, you know?”
“She shouldn’t.” His throat bobbed as he glanced at the thick blanket of white-gray clouds overhead. This was the most I’d ever talked to him. Fake-Peyton and Ezra were worlds apart. But now… now I felt a strange desire to uncover his secrets and let him know that he wasn’t alone.
“They say you tried to kill yourself that night, in the river.”
I flinched at the blunt edge to his words, but surprisingly, I found no judgment there. “They say a lot of things.”
“Is it… true?” His eyes locked on mine, searching for answers.
“I was in a bad place then.”
“But you’re not now?”
“It’s getting easier.” With the help of my friends, Jason and Felicity… Xander, it was slowly, day by day, getting easier.
“You’re not… I mean, you don’t want to—”
“Kill myself?” He let out a strained laugh. “Nah, but I like the quiet.”
What a strange thing to say. But Ezra didn’t expand, and I didn’t have the courage to ask. Instead, I said, “You should give us a chance one day. You never know, you might actually like hanging out with us. And it would mean a lot to Aaron and Sofia… to Leigh, if you came around once in a while.”
His eyes shuttered as if he couldn’t quite grasp my words, the invitation there. “Yeah,” he loosened a breath. “Maybe.”
I nodded. “I’m going to see if they need any help with anything. Merry Christmas, Ezra.”
Ezra watched me walk away. I’d almost reached the door when he called after me, “Merry Christmas, Peyton.”
* * *
I’d never hadChristmas dinner with so many people. The noise was deafening as everyone passed around the various side dishes. It all smelled so good. I piled my plate with mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, cauliflower with cheese sauce, and buttered peas.
“This all looks so good,” I said, smiling.
Lily’s mom beamed across the table at me. “I had a lot of help.” Her eyes went to Hailee and Mya.
“I never had…” I stopped myself, realizing everyone was looking at me. “The ham smells amazing.”
Conversation resumed, but Xander’s eyes remained on my face. He was seated opposite, a couple of seats down next to Kaiden. I risked meeting his stare while everyone was busy filling their plates. He smiled. A real honest-to-God smile, so full of heat and promise it sent a shiver racing down my spine.
It was both a blessing and a curse having him here. His presence settled me, gave me the strength to smile and engage with my friends and their families. But it was also torture not being able to go to him. I tried not to imagine what it might be like if they knew.
“Peyton is right, Mrs. Ford,” Kaiden said. “This is great. Thank you so much for inviting me and my mom.”
“You’re always welcome, son,” Jason gave him a nod. “Although I think I’m drawing the line at one boyfriend.” His eyes went to Poppy, and she stuck her tongue out at him.
“We’ll need a bigger table next year,” Asher chuckled. “Who knows, maybe you’ll bring a lady friend around next year, Xan?”
