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Peyton
I couldn’t breathe.
All day, as I went from class to class, the heavy weight on my chest grew and grew until I was suffocating under its oppressive presence.
“Peyton?” Lily whispered, and I blinked over at her. “Are you okay?”
“I’m… fine.” I let out a thin breath, forcing myself to smile. “I’m fine.”
She studied me, her eyes crinkling with suspicion. “You’ve been quiet.”
“It’s just hard, ya know?”
“I know.” She smiled warmly, squeezing my hand. “You did good today.”
I wasn’t so sure about that.
I’d thought yesterday would be the hardest. But today, today was something else entirely. It wasn’t the stares or even the whispers… it was the memories. The image of her laying there, wrists cut open, blood pooled around her like a dark ruby river. My head and heart couldn’t reconcile that. The sheer desperation someone had to feel to do that. I’d never once, not in my almost eighteen years, no matter how bad life got, thought about physically hurting myself. But now I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
About what it felt like as she ran the razor blade over her skin. Did she cry? Did her hands shake and body tremble as the cold steel met her soft flesh?
Bile washed in my stomach and I inhaled a shuddering breath.
“Peyton?”
I brushed Lily off as we headed toward the football field. She wanted to watch Kaiden practice. She always wanted to watch him. Not that I blamed her. Kaiden was one of the good ones. The kind of guy who would cherish her heart and keep it safe. The kind of guy I’d always imagined meeting when I was a young girl, lost and afraid of the world.
But life had hardened me, built layers of stone around my heart. I enjoyed flirting with guys, being the center of their world for a fleeting moment. I liked kissing and the feel of skin on skin. I liked the distraction.
But I didn’t like feeling vulnerable.
“Oh my God,” Lily nudged my arm as we sat down in the bleachers. “He’s got it so bad.” I followed her line of sight and found Bryan waving in our direction. “You know, he’s worried about you.” She laced her arm through mine.
“I know.” But it didn’t change anything.
“You’re definitely coming to the game Friday?” She changed the subject. “If you want to stay home, I can—”
“No, Lily, no way. You need to be there for your dad, for Kaiden. I’ll come.”
It was in Pittsburgh, so we’d be staying overnight.
Lily burrowed into my side and let out a weary sigh. “I wish I could make it all better for you, Pey.”
“It’s okay… I’ll be okay.” The lie soured on my tongue. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be okay again. I’d always thought it would be easier if my mom was dead. She never loved me, never doted on me the way Felicity doted on Lily and her sister. All she’d ever done was take and take, uncaring how her actions and barbed words affected those around her… affected me. But she took her own life knowing I would find her, and I couldn’t move past that.
Couldn’t get over the fact she despised me enough to do that.
I’d always known she hated me.
I just hadn’t realized she hated me that much.
* * *
“I’ll be back.”Lily squeezed my arm as she dashed toward Kaiden. He dropped his bag and caught her, hoisting her to him.
A faint smile traced my lips. A few weeks ago, she would never have been so brave.
“Hey,” Bryan and Gav approached me.
