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“No, I’m good.” I gave him a weak smile and his eyes narrowed, shimmering with concern.
“We could always get out of here?” He let the words, the insinuation, hang between us.
“I don’t—”
“Shit, that was a dumb thing to say. I just want to help, in any way I can.” His expression softened.
“I know. You’re a good friend, Bryan.”
“Friend, right.” His lips thinned and a bolt of guilt went through me.
I knew he wanted more than friendship, but I couldn’t give it to him.
“You should lay off the candy, Bry,” Gav said, dropping down beside him. “You’ll have your work cut out for you Friday. The Panthers have one of the best offenses in the state.
“Let them bring it,” he shrugged, “I’m ready.”
“We’re ready,” Kaiden added, pulling Lily down on his lap. She nuzzled his neck, and it wasn’t long before they were making out.
“Get a room,” Aaron yelled.
Kaiden flipped him off over his head and snickers rang out around me.
These people were my friends. Ten of us crammed into the renovated shed. Yet, I’d never felt more alone as I did then, sitting there among their chatter and easy laughter.
It wasn’t that I wanted them to be awkward around me. I didn’t. I just couldn’t stand the pity stares and sympathy in their eyes every time they looked at me. But the truth was, it wasn’t them at all.
It was me.
Something had changed inside me that night. Intrinsically altered. And the things I used to take comfort in and enjoy no longer seemed significant.
“You want to go home?” Lily asked me while the guys talked about the upcoming game. I shook my head.
“I’m fine.” Because being at the Ford’s, in my spacious bedroom with its own bathroom and views of their yard, was another kind of torture.
My skin vibrated, my stomach awash with emotion. It wasn’t grief, or even heartache. It was something else entirely.
Lily let out a small sigh and I pressed my lips into a thin smile. She wanted to help; they all did.
But this wasn’t something anyone could fix. It was something I had to deal with alone.
Alone.
I guess that was something else I had to get used to.
* * *
Ashleigh gaveus a ride back to the house. Lily and Poppy wanted to raid the refrigerator before bed, but I declined any food, grabbing a bottle of water and going straight up to my room. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, a tight band squeezing my rib cage.
I closed my door and headed straight for the bathroom, gripping the counter as I stared at myself. My eyes were dull, dark circles ringing them thanks to the lack of sleep I was getting. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw her lifeless body, the blood pooled around her.
A shudder ran down my spine and I retched into the silence. Emotion balled in my throat, knotted in my stomach. I couldn’t go to sleep. Not yet. I needed… I needed something—anything—to make it all stop.
Before I knew what I was doing, I pulled the paring knife, the one I’d swiped from the knife block downstairs, from my back pocket. I hadn’t meant to take it… but it had been right there, taunting me. Calling to me. Lily and Poppy had been so distracted raiding the refrigerator that before I knew it, I’d taken it and shoved it in my pocket. My hands trembled as I pressed my thumb against the sharp blade. It stung, but there was something else too… something that unfurled shame deep inside me.
Sucking in a sharp breath, I pressed harder, wincing as a bead of blood formed there. But some of the tension inside me ebbed away.
Is this what she felt? In those minutes or hours before I found her, is this what my mom had been searching for?
