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“It was a long time ago,” was all I said, pressing my head back into the seat rest and closing my eyes.
“You know Cam’s a hard ass because he loves you, right? Because he wants more for you.”
“We’re not doing this,” I said around a deep sigh.
“I won’t push, you know that. But he’s your brother. You should talk to him, try to work through some of this stuff. You’ve only got each other.”
It wasn’t true though because Cameron had Hailee. He had Avery and Ashleigh. He had a family who loved him and friends who would do anything for him. And I was on the periphery, always on the outside looking in. Maybe it was in part my own fault, but it didn’t change the fact Cameron had a life, a good life, and I had nothing.
There had been a time, when I was just a kid who adored his big brother, that I thought we’d never be separated, but time had only proved me wrong. And maybe it was selfish to want to be the center of his world, maybe it made me some kind of weirdo to be that dependent on him, but I couldn’t change the fact that as his life moved in new directions, I’d felt left behind, and I hadn’t known how to deal with losing him.
Guilt was a powerful motivator; but add shame and bitterness into the mix and it was lethal. Too overwhelming for my teen self to deal with.
I wasn’t lying when I’d told Peyton last night that we were all messed up—except I wasn’t talking about anyone but myself.
To my relief, Jase didn’t push. He let me sit there and stew on my thoughts, his words. But what he didn’t know was, it didn’t change anything. I wasn’t a kid anymore. Nobody was going to swoop in and fix me. Not unless I wanted it…
And I’d stopped wanting it a long time ago.
